Complex Universe

Here I Am!

2011-09-21T23:15:00.001-04:00

I've started blogging again at www.everybears.com. Come by and see what we've been up since last a wrote here (a lot!)

Soft Tofu

2009-05-19T05:42:00.001-04:00

A year-long pause, and then a blog continuation at: Soft Tofu. Hope you'll join me there!

Smoke

2007-08-27T12:45:00.000-04:00

I've taken 2 drags off a Moroccan hash laden joint. The second pull sends me into a fit of coughing, which passes as I look into the twilight of the African sky, stars twinkling dimly through the airborne dust. They seem to wink at me and mesmerized, I am suddenly overcome by layers upon layers of sound, each infinitesimally smaller and more delicate than the last. I look at the trees and there is energy in the leaves, cobwebs lacing back and forth between the branches, giving them life. I close my eyes and see layers of motion expanding into the black, and each of these layers seems to have a meaning which I cannot quite grasp, but this is okay because this yearning to understand has a beauty all it's own. We turn on some music and I am lost in the melodies, fingers caressing guitar strings, words tasted like fruit and candy on the tongue. And there is such truth and pureness in some of the songs, I am reverent, and I am thinking of you, and wishing for you, and aching for you, and I hear myself whisper, tenderly, my love, tenderly....

Bless You

2007-07-11T11:53:00.000-04:00

I only have 3 more days of work left in purgatory.

I sat on public transit this morning, as I have every week for the last 3 years, watching as we passed familiar streets and sights. George Street. The Starbucks. People walking to work. Students on their way to George Brown College. Jarvis Street. The park full of flowers. St. James Church.

As we approached the next stop, the streetcar ground to a halt and the driver called out it's name, "Church Street." As passengers began to make their way down the steps into the muggy air, he added, "for those of you who are getting off here, bless you."

Then I recognized him from this post.

http://complexuniverse.blogspot.com/2007/02/for-whom-bell-tolls.html

And thank you, yes, I will be getting off here. With pleasure.

Trip Update

2007-07-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

Well, this trip seems to have taken on a life of it's own. It's all so very exciting!

Now the trip is Barcelona, Venice, Florence, Rome, Naples, Amalfi Coast and Capri, Casablanca, Marrakesh, Fez, Lisbon, Faro, Seville, Malaga and then London.

Any tips from you Europeans on what to see?

Random

2007-06-28T10:15:00.001-04:00

I have at least 3 or 4 half-finished posts sitting in my drafts, but somehow, I'm totally unable to complete any of them. Sowweee....

I'm all over the place right now, which you'll no doubtedly confirm upon reading this chaotic post.

I have exactly 10 days of work left in purgatory. It's exactly 17 days until I head home to see the folks. And exactly 32 days until I leave for Europe!! Needless to say, I'm not feeling too grounded...probably trying to plan too many things at once, not living in the moment and on top of that, I can't seem to shake The Damn Cough. Thank you Network Chiropractic. As a result of Clear Day, I am anything but clear, and I mean literally. How is it possible for one small girl, with very small nostrils to produce the massive and continuing volumes of snot that I do? Ugh.

Jet-Setting! Oh Joy!

2007-06-12T14:27:00.000-04:00

So, it's done.

Leave of absence from work has been asked for and approved. July 13th is FREEDOM DAY!

July 15th - July 28th: Calgary and Yellowstone National Park with the folks and some relatives
July 29th - September 5th: London, Barcelona, Venice, Florence, Pisa, Rome, Naples, the Amalfi Coast and the Greek Islands
September 9th - September 13th: Enlightened Warrior Training Camp in Ellenville, New York

And this isn't confirmed yet, but I'm just gonna pretend it is.

November: Antalya, Turkey

BRING IT ON!

How I Raise My Vibes

2007-06-08T12:50:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by Debra Schanilec's ReachDabbleShine blog. This is a meme sponsored by OptimistLab. I'm honoured to have been tagged! Here are the rules...more details on OptimistLab's website:

1.Write a new post about your five favorite tricks for “Raising Your Vibes”.
2.Link back to OptimistLab and the person who tagged you at the top of your post.
3.Give your attention to five (or more if you want) deserving bloggers by picking one high-quality post by each blogger.
4.Tag these bloggers by going to high Vibe it, (a news sharing site), and submiting your “Raising Your Vibes” post and the five posts you picked.
5.Tell each blogger you picked that they’ve been tagged either through email or by leaving a comment.

How I Raise My Vibes

1. Laugh - a good, belly laugh...you know, the unadulterated kind, an attack where your stomach hurts, tears are streaming down your face and you can't breathe...pure joy, yeah, you know what I'm talking about (and if you don't, it's time you learned!)
2. Love - nothing lifts my frequency more than being surrounded by the love of friends and family. All I have to do is open the channel, let the waves wash through me and breathe it in. So beautiful.
3. Dance & Sing - grooving around my condo, or at a club, the beats soaking into my body, just moving and feeling the music. Singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs soothes my soul.
4. Run - being in my body and concentrating solely on the rhythm of my breath helps me stay out of my head, the endorphin rush and the sense of accomplishment at the end of it all definitely raises my vibes.
5. Calm - I have had moments of pure gratitude at the end of Bikram yoga classes. Walking through the beauty and abundance of nature makes me appreciate everything we have in this world. The soothing sound of Julie Dittmar's voice on her hypnotherapy CDs impart such a sense of calm, one can't help but be centred, grounded and lifted by it.

I'm tagging:
Deelirium for her inspiring Mississauga Race Report
Dog is my Co-Pilot for Taking the First Step in Faith
Furtheron for consistently observing his Decisions, in the quest for self-awareness and growth
EMOB for loving love and Feeling Good to Just Know
The Gargantuan Question of Life for noticing those Tranquil Moments

You are all inspiring to me in unique ways.

Leave

2007-06-05T16:10:00.000-04:00

This is what my sister had to say when I told her about the leave of absence I'm taking from work:

"You sound very heppy. Office work is a drain on creative resources (creative because you have to think of reasons why you're still there and how to pass five minutes of time without chewing your arm off.)"

Very insightful, wouldn't you say?

Self-Talk

2007-05-24T13:13:00.000-04:00

When you stop your self-talk, you create a vacuum. Have intent on what you wish your life to be, and hold the essence of that intent always, but don't obsess mentally about it. Have an intent that will not bend, but don't obese mentally about it. Simply know that what you intend will be so and leave it at that. You can visualize your intent every now and then. In fact, you should visualize your intent once in a while, perhaps twice or thrice a day, for visualization is creative and highly powerful. But that's it; no need to obsess. Create a vacuum. Let nature fill it. Life is a magnificent force. When you stop filling your cup with littleness, it will fill it with greatness. Life cannot show you what it truly is if you keep telling it how it should be. When you drop your self-talk, the most amazing accomplishments begin to happen, because your self-talk, based on littleness, is what replenishes and maintains a world of littleness instead of grandeur.

- David Cameron Gikandi

Platforms

2007-05-18T14:43:00.000-04:00

It's 9 in the morning and I'm winding the thin straps of my new platform sandals carefully around my ankles. I secure the buckle, stand up gingerly, and take a few steps around my bedroom to test the fit. They bite a little, leaving the faintest trace of pink on my skin, but I must admit that the shoes are pretty sexy.

I look down at the sleeping Prince. His dark hair is fuzzy and rumpled in clumps all over his head, and the fairies have left a smattering of dust around his eyes. So cute. I clomp over to my closet, hoping the noise will disturb him enough to wake him up. Success! A single eye opens, a sliver of green peeks through, and he mumbles, "give me a kiss goodbye." I saunter over, feeling sultry in my new shoes, and wonder if he's noticed them.

I decide to work it a little to make sure he does, and wiggle my hips, doing my best imitation of a runway model. I sashay towards him, but my platform shoes betray me and I slide across the floor, and slam right into the dark wood of my platform bed. OW! OW! OW! I jump up and down on one high-heeled shoe, and grab my shin painfully. I can already feel a bruise forming. It's an extremely sexy moment for me, made better by the fact that I lose my balance and land squarely on top of him. He's fully awake now (how could he not be?) and smirking. "You're such a dork," he says, and hugs me tightly.

The funny thing is, I'm not embarrassed in the slightest. Just filled with a glowing warmth and appreciation.

Have a beautiful weekend everybody!

The Deep End

2007-05-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust
- from Afraid by Nelly Furtado

Two weeks ago, I booked a plane ticket to Calgary. I'm going home to big, blue skies, cool green grass, majestic mountains and the stillness of the prairies. I'm visiting family, detoxifying with a juice fast, and celebrating the publishing of my dad's poetry. I'll return to Toronto on July 28th.

One week ago, I booked a plane ticket to Europe. I'll be leaving the day after I return from Calgary. I'll be soaking up Mediterrean love and sunshine in Barcelona, Rome, Florence, Venice, the Amalfi Coast, Naples and the beautiful Cycladic Islands of Greece. I'll return to Toronto on September 5th.

I haven't spoken to my manager about the leave of absence I'm taking. The leave of absence I'm not coming back from.

I'm trying to move with a little trust.

I bought these tickets as a message of faith to the universe. A message that, yes, I'm serious. I'm moving forward intentionally. I'm leaping without the net, and stepping into the mystery. I am living in the moment, and trusting that the universe will provide exactly what I need at exactly the right time.

I'm hoping the light will find me.

Three days ago, my business partner called. Months ago, we'd quoted on a job with the United Nations in New York. "Guess what?" he says, "It looks like we're getting it. But I can't go. You'll have to handle it on your own." (He'll be in Saudi Arabia producing a documentary for 5 weeks - lucky bastard!)

I'm moving with a little trust.

Faith has been rewarded. I've been handed a golden prize. A gift. I have my fears. What if I screw up? Will I succeed? Can I handle this? And it feels like I've been pushed into the deep end of the pool without a life jacket. But it's okay, because this time I know how to swim.

I'm allowing the light to guide me.

What Love Means

2007-05-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

Well, I seemed to be surrounded by messages of love today, so I thought I'd share them.

"You simply can't make someone love you if they don't. You must choose someone who already loves you. If you choose someone who does not love you, this is the sort of love you must want." - Israel Horovitz, playwright

This was on my Starbucks cup this morning, and I thought, very true. There are so many people out there that settle for less, because deep in their hearts, they believe that a halfway sort of love is all they deserve. But love isn't halfway. It doesn't ask you to be anything other that what you are. It makes you feel beautiful, and cherished, and like you can conquer any challenge that is placed in front of you. And it makes it okay when you don't. It doesn't ask you to hide, or be ashamed or less than everything you have the potential to be, no matter how unconventional the journey, or whether they agree.

This was emailed to me minutes later...perhaps you've already seen it?

They're touching words from the mouth of babes . . . A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

I've been thinking about love lately and what it really means to me...how will love come through me...and this last quote pretty much summed it up. To me, love is about acceptance. To allow someone to just be. Wherever that is. Without judgement. To give them the space they need to process and figure things out in their own way. In their own time. To not ask them to be in a different place, because wherever they are in their journey is exactly the right place. For them.

The funny thing is that when I decided that this was the expression of love I wanted to manifest in the world, life became so peaceful and simple. I stopped wasting energy trying to change people, or push them into what I thought was better or right for them. That struggle and conflict disappeared. I learned to appreciate the beautiful imperfection of all the people in my life, and was given the gift of true connection in return.

A to Z

2007-05-07T14:56:00.000-04:00

This is a meme that I saw on Girl and a Dog's blog, and I quite liked it, so I'm stealing it.

A- Attached or Single? Attached, but still coming to terms with letting go of my full out independence.
B- Best Friend: ME! (no one treats me better) and Munchie (my soul sister on earth), but so many other people that give me so many different things.
C- Cake or Pie: Oh yeah, pie any day. I think it's probably the fluffy pastry shell.
D- Drink of Choice: Espresso, any which way...usually 3 shots in an Americano with 18% cream and lots o'sugar.
E- Essential Item: Love
F- Favorite Color: Silver
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Ewwww
H- Hometown: Hmmm....born in Seoul, South Korea, lived in Calgary for most of my life, but consider the T-Dot home.
I- Indulgence: Facials and pedicures
J- January or February: February - a nice short month, and closer to spring!
K- Kids: Well....I always said never, but if I meet the man of my dreams and it's a dealbreaker, I might consider having 1.
L- Life is incomplete without: love, friendship, family, gratitude, adventure, music, dancing and joy.
M- Marriage Date: only the universe knows....
N- Number of Siblings: 2
O- Oranges or Apples? oranges
P- Phobias/Fears: heights, not reaching my full potential
Q- Favorite Quote: "A butterfly stirring the air today in Peking can transform storm systems next month in New York." - James Glick
R- Reasons to smile: beauty, love, life, blue skies and sunshine
S- Season: Spring
T- Tag Three: well, whoever wants to do it, since I wasn't actually tagged, and just stole it...muwahahahahaa.....
U- Unknown Fact About Me: In the last month, 5 of my toenails have randomly fallen off..it's quite hideous, and sandle season is upon us. Fortunately, I don't care...and am flaunting my ugly toes with reckless abandon!
V – Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? Oppressor of Animals I guess....sigh
W- Worst Habit: Crackbook, and taking 3 hours to drink a cup of coffee (and warming it up in the microwave 3 times in the process)
X – X-rays or Ultrasounds? Network chiropractic, or any other energy work
Y- Your Favorite Foods: sushi, french fries, coffee (is that food?)
Z- Zodiac: Pisces Sun, with Gemini Rising and Taurus Moon

Melting

2007-04-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

My alarm goes off. It's 8:15. I have to be at work by 9:30. Still. I can't seem to get myself to leave the warmth of the arms I'm nestled in. I'm lying on my back, and he's curled around me, cheek pressed against the top of my head, one leg tossed casually over my thighs, it's weight heavy and reassuring. I can't move. Not that I want to. I liberate one arm, and hit snooze.

I sigh, and settle back into the cocoon. We're sticky with the sweat of sleep, but I don't care. The alarm beeps again. 8:40. Now I've really pushed it. I untangle myself limb by limb, and head reluctantly for the fastest shower in the history of the world.

I turn on some music and blowdry my hair, while the Prince sleeps on steadily, ensnarled in a mess of sheets and covers. How he manages to create this web in the 10 minutes I am gone is beyond me. I jump on top of him and kiss him 20 times, "goodbye, my love." His eyes are heavy with sleep, he's only half awake. He mumbles softly, "I miss you already."

I smile, my heart full, but he's already drifted back to his dreams. I hope they are sweet.

Vanished

2007-04-19T11:33:00.000-04:00

Sorry I vanished for a while there. I just didn't have the motivation, drive or inclination to do any writing at all. Big stuff going down in my life, energetically speaking.

I'm working on a post about it now. Hope you are all well.

Facebook

2007-04-04T15:47:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of posting, but I have been completely immersed in Facebook. It is ridiculously entertaining, and an excellent time-killer at work. It's like a combination of MySpace and Friendster, except totally fun and easy to use. I'm not sure if it's the Mini-Feed, or connecting with people I haven't seen or heard from for a long time, but I admit it. I'm totally addicted.

It's especially interesting, because it's taken that whole 6 degrees of separation thing, and manifested it into an online format. I'm already seeing connections between people that I didn't know existed. It's very cool.

If you wanna come visit me, come see me here.

Half

2007-03-19T16:29:00.000-04:00

Two months ago, I thought it a brilliant idea to sign up for a half-marathon. I'd come off a particularly sluggish couple of weeks, athletically speaking, and my body was in a state of utter lassitude. Watching snowflakes pile on top of slush, on top of dirt, on top of freezing rain, on top of more slush, was not particularly motivating. But for my own health, the inertia had to end. A few clicks of the mouse and $50 later, I was registered for the Mississauga half-marathon on May 13th. It was deceptively easy.

I am definitely NOT a natural runner. I mean I can pull off 5 km with relative ease, but this...this, I will not survive without a bunch of training. Being in extreme pain and agony for 2+ hours, while desperately counting down kilometres and downing powergels is just not my idea of a good time. What else could pull me out of my torpor faster than the thought of having to run 22 or so kilometres without stopping?

Yeah, right.

Training for this thing has been a bitch. Between the crappy weather, my lack of sleep and a million other things I'm trying to accomplish and manifest, running has found itself at the very bottom of the laundry pile. And now the half is less than 2 months away. The slightest layer of panic is starting to creep into my consciousness.

I had to do something to kickstart this whole situation. A shopping trip was definitely in order! So on Saturday, I ended up at the Running Room, buying new shoes, a running jacket, water belt, new sports bra and power gels. After negotiating a 20% discount (actually, I just asked him for it, and he gave it to me - thank god!) - I was out the door and ready to hit the road with all my new gear. I was committed to running 10-12 km, or approximately 1 hour at my runnning speed.

Damn, it was windy and cold on Saturday. It took 2 hours to defrost after all that running, but I am happy and proud to say that I DID IT! and it wasn't even that hard. My motivation's back!!!!

Avalanche

2007-03-14T16:39:00.000-04:00

I feel like a giant boulder sitting on the razor's edge of a majestic mountain. I'm teetering back and forth, rocking ever so gently in the mild breeze. There's a feeling of anticipation in the crisp, spring air. Innocent buds struggle to break through the hardness of long-dead branches, signalling the dawning of a new cycle of activity. Birds float lightly atop currents of sky, trilling merrily, bestowing it with the colourful melody of their song.

The air is ripe with potential. So many seeds have been planted, and I am full. The slightest shift sends me flying down the side of the mountain, slowly at first, bruised by rocks, bushes and trees along the way. But momentum gathers and soon I am sailing gleefully into the great unknown, propelled forward by mysterious celestial forces.

It's happening.

Am I ready?

Messages

2007-03-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

This morning, I opened my email and found this message:

From: Barbara Whitlock
Date: Fri, 9 Mar 2007 05:53:26 -0500
Subject: Your Helium article is featured on today's homepage!

Congratulations Shelley!

If you check out today's homepage at www.helium.com, you'll see your article featured prominently. See yourself in the limelight! Tell family and friends. Announce this in your blog, on your website, or through other internet venues where you hold a presence. Watch the interest and earnings on your article today.

Your hysterical article about your hot yoga class experience shares valuable insights and reflects the highest standards of writing at Helium. Thank you for sharing your time and talents at Helium.com!

Continue to enjoy your participation in the Helium Community! We look forward to watching for more of your exceptional articles over the years.

All the best,

Barbara Whitlock
Content & Community team
Helium.com

Sometimes it's nice to receive objective, outside validation, especially when you've recently decided to quit your stable, pension and benefit providing government job, for the wild blue yonder of freelance writing and video editing. (yeah, this is all part of the energetic pathways story, which I have yet to finish! I promise I'll get there...there's just so much going on right now!)

Perfect timing too, as I was feeling the slightest pit of fear in my stomach, looking at the calendar yesterday and seeing my quit date coming closer and closer....

If you want to check out the article, it's posted on www.helium.com on the front page, under Exercise.

Have a great weekend everybody!

In Transit

2007-03-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

I've been spending far too much cash on cab fares lately. I'm not complaining or anything - far from it! : ) - but leaving the cocoon of warmth created by the embrace of the human furnace lying next to you is beyond torturous. Especially since Toronto is in the midst of a terrible cold snap, the kind that, as my friend Charwina so delicately put it today at lunch, "feels like 2 dogs are biting on your face at the same time."

Today, for the first time in about a week, I stood and waited for public transit. And even though I was late yet again, I had decided it was time for me to nip my growing addiction to the comfort and convenience of taking a taxi to work in the bud. Well....at least I thought I had decided.

But here's the interesting part. As I stood waiting impatiently in the freezing cold, I started to monitor my thoughts. And discovered that I hadn't really decided at all. My brain was whipping back and forth, spinning to and fro - doing anything, it seems, but actually making a decision.

My thoughts went something like this:
Is the damn streetcar coming? It's freezing cold. I'm gonna be late for work. Maybe I should just take a cab? Oh, there's one. Should I hail it? No, I've spent too much money on cabs. The streetcar's coming right now. I know it is. But what if it doesn't. Then I'll really be late. Ok, I'll hail the next cab that comes along. No, I shouldn't. Oh, just missed one. That's okay. Cuz the streetcar is coming right now. Well, I hope it is. It's really cold. Maybe I should catch a cab. No, I can't. I'll just be late.....and so on and so forth.

Honestly, the streetcar didn't appear until I realized how chaotic my thoughts were. It was only when I was able to shut down the back and forth in my brain, and focus on ONE outcome, that my desired result manifested. It made me appreciate how challenging it is to really and truly create change in your own life. If being clear about my mode of transit is trying, how am I to be clear about the big things. The things that matter....

For Whom the Bell Tolls

2007-02-28T17:31:00.000-05:00

There's a tiny ray of light desperately trying to break through the never-ending drab of Toronto's winter sky. I see a touch of beautiful blue, the smallest hint of it peeking out cautiously from behind a blanket of opaque grey.

I'm on the streetcar on my way to work, trying to ignore the sound of the woman on her cell phone behind me. Cantonese. Consonants.

Church Street. The streetcar grinds to a halt, the doors pop open, and I hear the ringing of the bells from majestic St. James Cathedral.

"For whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. Ernest Hemingway," the driver intones over the streetcar's PA system. I smile.

We pass Victoria Street, screech to a stop at Yonge Street, "Yonge Street, home of the King subway." I watch as a new stream of passengers tiptoes through slush and mud, and up into the warm car.

Chug Chug Chug. Continuing. Cantonese. Consonants.

I ring the bell signalling my stop, "Bay Street, home of financial wizards and money moguls, streets paved with gold, known as Wall Street in New York..." the driver continues.

I get up, stand by the door, lean in as he whispers to me, "what are you? money mogul or financial wizard?"

I pause.

"Frustrated writer?" I say, with a question in my voice.

He laughs, a nice, big belly laugh, "take care and have a wonderful day!" The sky clears, and fills with bright sun, its splendid azure lifting my spirits instantly. I'm smiling all the way to work.

Now did I mean him or me?

Energetic Pathways: Part 2

2007-02-26T22:53:00.000-05:00

Read Part 1 here.

Tabula Rasa: Latin for scraped tablet or clean slate, refers to the epistemological thesis that individual human beings are born with no innate or built-in mental content, in a word, "blank", and that their entire resource of knowledge is built up gradually from their experiences and sensory perceptions of the outside world.

If you believe, like I do, that life is images of the mind expressed, you can imagine how powerful this meeting with Josep was. It was as though my brain was turned inside out, fractured into a million pieces and totally reconfigured. The principles I'd been studying, the patterns of behaviour I'd been releasing, the new thoughts I'd been processing; well, they boiled over in my brain and crystallized into a single, brilliant point of focus.

My life could be whatever I desired it to be - unfettered, unhindered, unburdened - inhibited only by the limits of my own imagination, faith and certainty.

Tabula Rasa.

I was finally freed of the constraints I had placed upon myself all my life. The voices of my parents, societal expectations, the fears of well-meaning friends, cultural conditioning - all of these were wiped clean. The particular beauty of this moment laid in it's complete absence of fear. For the first time, I was totally unimpeded by any fear of failure. How could I be when there were no limits, no constraints and no expectations? I decided that I would be kind to myself. I would forgive myself. I would not expect "perfection." No. Instead, I chose to see my life as a grand experiment. Every event would be viewed as a valiant, imperfect, sublime attempt at creating the life of my dreams. One that could be continuously tweaked and refined. With Josep's help, I had shifted the lens. With profound implications.

And so, in this delightful vacuum of silence, I began to consciously create my life. What did I truly want? What had I not allowed myself to consider out of the fear that it wasn't possible? What had I avoided because I could not see "how it would be done?"

To be continued...

Valentine

2007-02-14T15:49:00.000-05:00

Saint Valentine was beaten with clubs and beheaded in ancient Rome. Emperor Claudius II believed that soldiers did not want to leave their loves or families to join the military, and so he cancelled all marriages and engagements. Saint Valentine secretly married couples and for this, he was martyred on February 14th.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody! I hope your life is abundantly full of joy, gratitude and bliss, and may your belief in beautiful, perfect-just-as-it-is love not cause your beheading!

Energetic Pathways: Part 1

2007-02-07T23:28:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to write this post for a very long time. It's been saved as a draft for countless weeks, while I try to figure out exactly how to tell this story. I guess I'm afraid that I won't be able to imbue it with all the weight and feeling of grace and completion that it deserves. Still, it's something I want to share with all of you, so here goes...

Everything happens for a reason. This little phrase is running constantly in the background of my life. Events happen. People come into my life. Some things are good. Some things are bad. But it doesn't matter. Because everything happens for a reason.

I always believed this to be true on some superficial level, or perhaps I convinced myself of this to soothe in troubled times. Who knows? I can say this though. The events of the last year have proven to me that everything does happen for a reason. Without a doubt.

This particular energetic pathway stretches way back to December of 2005, when I had a psychic reading at a restaurant. You can read about it here. It was just for fun, and honestly, I don't put too much stock in psychic readings. At best, they give you a snapshot of the future at a moment in time, but since we are constantly creating, evolving and growing, the reading is only valid for those particular circumstances and conditions. In the next moment, your life has shifted somehow, and thus, your future. So when the psychic told me I would meet someone named Joseph, who would be significant to my life, I locked it away in my brain and then forgot about it.

That is until I went to Miami in October of 2006, and met Josep from Tarragona, Spain. A bunch of things happened between December 2005 and October 2006 that laid the foundation for me to even notice these energetic connections, but that's a whole other story. The point is that there was a sequence to all of these events. One could not have happened without the other, and when you're able to observe an overarching energetic pattern that stretches across years, it's a true moment of grace.

Everything happens for a reason.

Yes, Josep and I had a lovely time together. Yes, we are still in touch. And yes, he was significant, but not for the typical vacation fling reasons. Josep was important because he helped me shift my thinking in a very profound way. Through him, I realized that I had a whole slew of limiting beliefs around money - how to earn it, career - how to create it, life - what was possible. Essentially, Josep functioned like an atom bomb in my brain. One that detonated and set off a whole sequence of serendipitous events one by one by one...

To be continued....

Open Your Heart

2007-02-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

Relax your calves, relax your calves, relax your...
Thighs...relax your thighs, relax your thighs, relax your...
Hips...relax your hips, relax your hips, relax your...
Chest...relax your chest, relax your chest, relax your...
Neck...relax your neck, relax your neck, relax your...
Face...relax your face, relax your face...

The Bikram yoga instructor's voice lulls me into a meditative state. I'm half awake, out of my head and fully present. My brain waves slow down. Alpha. Beta. Theta. Delta.

OPEN YOUR HEART he commands.

Tears spring instantly into my eyes. This is a surprise. An unexpected gift.

Let go.

I lie in Savasana for another 10 minutes as tears roll down my cheeks. I can't stop it. Nor do I want to. I am filled with emotion and flooded with a feeling of peace and gratitude.

As I leave the class, the bells from the big, old cathedral on the corner are ringing. It's Sunday after all, and service is over. My eyes fill with tears again. The sound is so beautiful. I am overflowing.

My heart chakra is awakening, and I am overcome with a profound sense of well-being and ease. I feel blessed, awed by the innocence and interconnectedness of the world, the perfect way in which all things flow harmoniously together.

El Collie writes about The Open Heart, and explains it much better than I can. Here's an excerpt:

In many spiritual traditions, it's considered the greatest blessing when the heart chakra awakens. Many regard this the most important energy center of the human psyche. The heart -- or fourth -- chakra is located at the center of the chest. When this chakra begins to awaken, a variety of sensations and physical symptoms can arise...Often there is heat focused in this area when the chakra is awakening. This may feel like a warm, glowing sensation or a feeling of incandescence, with the chest blazing hot as a furnace. After my heart chakra awakened, I discovered that whenever I was in the presence of anyone who felt sad, I would feel a dark weight on my chest. And when I was with anyone who was directing love toward me, my chest would become very warm...As the heart awakens, profound emotional changes frequently occur. The heart seems to both literally and figuratively break, releasing torrents of sadness and grief...During this same period, I was often overcome with intense compassion for people. I would be easily moved to tears upon hearing of any adversity in my friends' lives. This was not maudlin pity, but a deep sadness at the spiritual opaqueness of the world. Everyone evoked sweet-sad, deeply affectionate and reverent feelings in me; I felt such innocence and beauty in them all. There are many transcendent states that can accompany the heart awakening. Numinous beings of love and light may appear. Deep feelings of gratitude, joy and bliss may arise. A sense of the incredible beauty of all creation can be staggering. Tears of rapture can flow as easily and uncontrollably as tears of sorrow. Realization of unity with the divine and/or with all existing beings is dramatic at this time. Tremendous feelings of appreciation and compassion arise. Every sentient being is felt as precious...

Glasshouse

2007-02-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

I've been working on a new post for about a week. The topic is so complicated to write about, that honestly I'm having a lot of trouble getting it down in any understandable format. It IS a story I want to share with all of you though, so I'll keep plugging away at it. In the meantime, I thought I'd share some pictures of the new loft I purchased a few weeks ago, since it's actually part of the OTHER story I'm trying to write. Yes, this is an incredibly lazy post, but the other one, is taking up all of my energy.

The loft is pre-build, and will be completed in October of 2008. It's a boutique building in downtown Toronto with only 86 units. The finishings are absolutely fantastic! Quartz counters, wood floors, stainless appliances, tempered glass backsplash, fully tiled bathroom, ceiling heights over 9 feet, a gas stove, and would you believe a gasline out to the balcony for a BBQ!! Now THAT is a rare thing for a condo. I'm so excited to move!!

Fertile

2007-01-26T14:46:00.000-05:00

Emily and I went to a psychic fair in November, soon after we returned from our totally transformational Miami trip. We went mainly to get our aura pictures taken. Em's was blue, ALL BLUE (caring, nurturing, lives out of heart and emotions, difficulty saying no, intuitive). Mine was yellow, orange and gold (intelligent, sunny, creative, independent, spiritually minded, divinely protected).

Included with our pictures was a psychic reading. What I remember most about the reading, was the psychic telling me that I was in an extremely fertile phase....mostly because my thoughts immediately jumped to unplanned pregnancy. Bad idea. To be honest, I wasn't really sure what he meant at the time...but let me tell you, I sure understand it Now.

It's been just over 3 months since I returned from Miami, and I can say without a doubt that this has been the most consciously powerful creative time in my life. I now understand that most of the experiences in my life, the connections I have made, the people I have met, have been leading to This particular Moment in time. I feel as though I have awakened from a long slumber to find that my world is ripe with possibility. Everywhere I turn, there are new opportunities, new people and new potentials. I am struck by lightning bolt ideas on a weekly basis that I MUST put into practice, right Now. I have the intuitive sense that I am planting the seeds that will grow into the vast, abundant forest of my future, as long as I nurture them with all the patience, dedication and love I can muster.

I am so blessed.

Have a great weekend everybody! I'll be tending to my garden...(and partying a little of course!!)

Gratitude/Appreciation List

2007-01-22T12:59:00.000-05:00

To be truthful, I'm feeling kind of down in the dumps. I don't know if I am picking up on energetic frequency related to Blue Monday, or if this is the consequence of releasing a bunch of old stuff in my yoga class yesterday morning. Whatever the reason, I thought I'd write a gratitude/appreciation list to try to pull myself out of it.

I am happy and grateful because:
1. I am healthy, with full use of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual capabilities.
2. I have a loving and supportive family that is 100% behind me at all times.
3. I have a beautiful condo in downtown Toronto.
4. I am surrounded by an abundance of beautiful friendships, both old and new.
5. I have a closet full of shoes!
6. I'm having a facial tonight.
7. My calling has recently been revealed to me.
8. Many things have miraculously fallen into place since that happened.
9. There is beautiful, soul stirring, gut wrenching music in the world.
10. I have 2 parties to go to on Friday night with many different friends.
11. I am re-starting taiko drumming classes tomorrow night.
12. I am blessed with constant opportunities for change, growth and evolution.
13. Of Lynne.
14. Westies are the cutest dogs on earth.
15. I'm having lunch in 5 minutes and I will get a nice hug.
16. There's chocolate on the table at work.
17. My friend at work bought my Americano for me this morning.
18. I can see the good in most situations.
19. That sometimes simple things touch me so much, I cry.
20. That I have this blog as an outlet of expression.

Basketball

2007-01-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

Perhaps this was only funny to me because I got 3 hours of sleep, and am teetering precariously close to the edge of delerium.

Last night, I hit an "exclusive" club/lounge here in Toronto called Cache with a bunch of new girlfriends. I didn't even know it existed, and it's one of those places that's hidden in an alleyway between 2 streets, where you have to know the owner or security or be on some list to get in. Whatever. All I know is that hitting a club/lounge on a Wednesday night, having 3 shots and 2 drinks (when you don't normally drink), and then hooking up with The Boy, the night before a work day is not a very smart idea. I'm running on fumes here...and I fear, they are alcohol fumes.

Unsurprisingly, I woke up late for work this morning. So, we jumped in a cab and hightailed it uptown. As the cabbie handed me back my change, I simultaneously reached forward to grab my receipt, accidently hit his outstretched hand, and watched as the twoonie arced gracefully towards the open ashtray and landed smack dab in the centre with a pleasing clink.

Somehow, this struck me as totally ridiculous, and I burst into gales of hysteria. Yeah, I know. It probably wasn't that funny. But like I said, I'm running on fumes.

Is it the weekend yet?

Images of the Mind

2007-01-15T16:16:00.000-05:00

I'm having a day that is equally strange, and wickedly awesome. The coincidences, and examples of magical thinking just keep piling up. These incidents trip me out just as much as they confirm my belief that "life is images of the mind expressed." Why? Because it keeps happening, and I keep noticing. I suppose this is a by-product of observing my thoughts, and making the connection between what I'm thinking, and the manifesting of that thought soon afterwards.

Examples from today:

1. Before I left my condo this morning, I was listening to a song called 100 Billion Stars by Lux. I had to turn it off midway through because I was already late for work. As I turned it off, I was thinking, I really wish I could listen to that song again, it's so beautiful. Then I put on my iPod Shuffle headphones, and yup, guess what it shuffled to? 100 Billion Stars. Of course. That made me smile. Later in the day, I told a co-worker about this strange "coincidence," and when I returned to my desk, guess what song was playing on my speakers. Yup. 100 Billion Stars. Now that....that made me laugh.

2. Once I got to work, I headed to Starbucks for my daily Americano ritual. I had exactly $2.65 in my wallet which is enough for a Grande. While in line, I was thinking, I could really use a Venti today (didn't go to bed until 4AM!), too bad I don't have more money. Then I ordered, paid my $2.65, and waited at the barista bar. Lo and behold, somehow they screwed up, and I ended up with a Venti!!! Yeah, weird.

3. There's this guy at work named Robert, that is somehow on this strange Energy Meridian with me. Everytime I go somewhere, he suddenly appears or vice versa. It's really odd. It's happened so much that we have a running joke about, "get off my energy grid, you're sucking me dry," kinda thing. Today, he came over to my desk, and I said, "guess what? I bought another condo yesterday," and he says, "Yeah I know. I was just coming over to tell you that I saw you yesterday in a sales centre on Queen Street." He was driving by in his car, looked over for a split second, and saw me standing there. Ultimate weirdness.

I'm pretty tripped out, but hyper at the same time. Even though these are small things, they give me confidence that there is a link between what I'm thinking, and what's manifesting in my life. I feel like I'm on the brink of something huge. I haven't quite grasped it, but it's there. It feels like trying to remember a word, hearing it rattle around in your head, but not quite being able to articulate it.

All I know for sure is that I'm holding an image in my head of the life I wish to live, and it is exactly what I desire. Data collection is over for me. I'm in the creation phase. I have nothing to do but wait and be grateful. Because I already have everything I need.

Intention and Clarity

2007-01-11T10:53:00.000-05:00

This is from an eNewsletter I receive. I wanted to share it with all of you. Enjoy.

Question: How do I break out of this negative cycle and step into the prosperity of life in my marriage, finances, emotions. Heck, just all of it? I would like to believe that it is in front of my face. I need to know what to do to make it happen so I can see it, feel it and taste it.

Answer: Thank you for bringing forth such a delightful question. Your question is one that may contribute to many because we all live in this world and exist within the polarity of positive and negative vibration. Giving you a place to begin, recognize that within an environment, a city, a home, or a business - within any type of environment you'll find a spinning of energy. This energy is a mixture of spinning emotion, thought or collective vibration. When you step into any place or environment this collective vibration combines with the spinning of your vibration. If you are not strongly rooted in your sense of yourself, with a strong definition of where you want to point your attention and your intention, you get sucked into the vacuum of the collective vibration of what you have just stepped
into. Then your vibration weakens in its energy and the collective vibration begins to strengthen in its energy.

I am pointing you in a direction to gain understanding of the dynamics of collective energy. This way you can understand that some of the things that have occurred in your life that feel negative are not necessarily from your direct intention. Rather they are related more to your lack of intention. If you do not have a direct clear plan, and if you have not specified where you would like to direct your thoughts, life, dreams and visions what happens is you emerge with the spinning vibration around you. You become that to which you connect.

What I would do if in your being is gain clarity. Look at what is in your environment. Specify all your environments including your home, your city, your family. Examine all of them and ask yourself who around you is supportive, who around you is understanding and has compassion, and who around you is not. Begin to create clarity within these relationships. Perhaps what you could do is define those who are not supportive and ask them to be supportive. If you recognize that their nature can not be supportive then you need to strengthen your vibration when around them. Become clearer about what you wish and turn towards your intention. You may begin to notice the dynamics of the relationship begin to automatically balance itself. This is a result of your clarity. Others become more supportive because they sense your self-definition.

You can also do this with any area of you life. Take your job, career, dreams, visions and desires for abundance. Begin to fuel the dreams connected to all of these areas. When you have doubt say, "Oh doubt has come into my nature. What is it wanting to point me to?" Notice where your fears lie and then gather them and place them into your heart. Use your thoughts to place them within your heart. Say to your fears, "Ok, doubts or fears, go ahead and blend in my heart. Take a nice deep breath and release. Next, invite in possibility. Begin to visualize. Think about what would bring you happiness. Now turn towards those thoughts and images. Turn towards that which you choose to create magnificently in your life and give those thoughts power. You now are creating attention to an intention. This becomes fuel. You are creating a velocity. You are creating a vibration. You are creating a tornado of energy within the nature of your intention. Now, when you step into a room, instead of that room consuming you, you will draw to you whatever is in the room that matches your vibration. Assistance will come to you and it will build with your energy. You will find the results that you wish to create.

Your question is really about intention. It is really about attention and it is about becoming clear.

2007

2006-12-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

I gave up on New Year's Resolutions long ago. Why do we, as a human race, continually set ourselves up for failure? What is, is what is. This mode of being may seem circular, however my peace has come from accepting that what is happening in the moment of Now, is exactly what is supposed to be happening. No questions asked.

2006 was a year of huge challenges, growth, beauty and joy. And as 2007 dawns, and I look backwards, I feel so blessed. I am in a state of pure gratitude, and I wonder how I could ever have doubted anything. My life has been full of gifts, the obvious and not-so obvious...if only I had paid closer attention sooner. But no regrets. Accept what is.

I wanted to share some of Louise LeBrun's thoughts. They are full of wisdom and simplicity and I intend to integrate them more fully into my life in the coming year. I hope you are as touched by her words as I was.

On Creativity and Daily Living
Imagine what your life could become if you got curious - about yourself, about your world-view and about your motivation for making the choices you make. Suddenly, life would be filled with astute observations and their corresponding, life-expanding insights. The next time you find yourself in that same old __________ (you fill in the blanks: conversation, relationship, job, problem, etc.), instead of looking around for someone to blame for keeping you there, get curious! Let yourself notice you, for a change, and ask yourself the following questions: Isn't that interesting! Every time x happens, I do/say/respond with y. How come that seems like an intelligent response? How does it serve me to continue to do that? When was the last time that I actually chose my response instead of just acting out of habit? What is it that always doing x allows me to continue to not pay attention to? What would happen to the quality of my life if I did something else instead? Who would support me and who would be angry/sad/disappointed/frustrated with me? How much more of my life do I want to live like this? What am I waiting for to be able to choose differently? Whose permission do I need to be able to begin to live my life in a way that leaves me feeling alive, dynamic and energetic? Who do I need to become to allow myself to claim a joyful life?

On Abundance
We tend to seek to fulfill our need or desire for an experience of abundance from the outside. We look around us; or beside us and rarely ever inside us to find what we're looking for. We defer to external standards to tell us what we should want; how much and when we'll know that we've gone as far as we need to. Rarely do we move into those still, silent places inside of us and ask: what do I really want? If I were to die tomorrow, how will I know I've made a difference? How will my presence have enriched my world? What will really have mattered?

Sometimes, in our frantic search for more and bigger and better, we overlook the possibility that the roots of abundance lie in what we give and not just what we get. We forget those moments when we could burst – from the inside out – with a sense of joy of accomplishment or contribution or simple satisfaction from a job well done … and with an attitude of grace and elegance. Ironic, isn't it, that the more we give to others, the greater our sense of having received.

As the summer months unfold and offer up their bounty of cool, refreshing swims and BBQ's with family and friends, Mother Nature offers up an abundance of opportunities to feel the wind and the sun; to hear the delight of water-logged play; and to see the glorious moment when the sun drops below the horizon, holding the promise to come again. If we let ourselves pay attention, we begin to notice that the absence of the sun is always followed by the gentle offering of the moon. Where else in our lives have we perhaps not yet noticed that when one gift fulfills its time, another will always come to take its place – if we pay attention.

On Celebration
What is often overlooked in the small silence of its expression is that moment – or those series of moments – that fill us from the inside and happen frequently, from one day to the next.

Like a fine mist, easily overlooked unless you're watching for it. The smile from the gas station attendant. The concerned and thoughtful questions of the pharmacist. The patience of the traveler behind us as we return from our daydream long after the light has changed. The waitress in the coffee shop who remembers how you like your bagels. The receptionist in the dentist's office who takes a moment to explain to you that your dentist will be late, and offers you a magazine. The stranger in the hospital waiting room who entertains your energetic and restless youngster while you await the results. The pedestrian who stops and makes it possible for you to dart through, just ahead of the endless line of cars.

These too are celebrations. Frequently occurring moments that – if we pay attention to them and honor them - fill our hearts and touch our souls. Moments in which whatever we're wearing, whoever we're with, is just perfect for the occasion. Moments that invite us to feel what it is to be one human being, in our ordinary-ness, in the presence of another equally ordinary human being, in the creation of a magical moment. If this is not cause for celebration, I don't know what is.

The Cough

2006-12-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

The Cough (as I've come to call it) is slowly tapering off. I've had 2 nights of blissfully uninterrupted sleep, and can complete sentences without dissolving into convulsions or spitting all over my conversational partner. What I'm left with is a deep aching sensation through both sides of my ribcage and a sense of profound exhaustion. It's been so long since I've felt fully Here, Now, that I don't really remember what it is to be grounded.

I've been through The Cough 4 or 5 times in the last 2 years, and I simultaneously dread and anticipate it's looming presence every time. I dread it because it's physically trying and emotionally challenging. I anticipate it because it always precedes a major shift in frequency and consciousness.

This particular bout of The Cough has lasted longer and been more intense than any previous episode. There have been moments when I have looked heavenward, and screamed internally, "I can't take it anymore." It has been extremely challenging to say the least. Physically, sure, but more so in energetic and emotional terms. When you clear old toxic layers and deeply held patterns of behaviour, turbulence usually ensues. And because we are all One, as you shift frequency individually, there is a domino effect in your immediate environment. It's like the tumbling of a house of cards after a pivotal card has been removed. At least this is what happens for me. Added to this is the complication of other individuals and their particular patterns of behaviour. Many people are not comfortable with a shift, let alone a transformative experience. They find it threatening on a subconscious and primal level, and correspondingly act out and against in survival and fear. Sometimes it's difficult to just be transparent, and let this stuff pass through me. I have a survival instinct too. And when others are attacking you for no apparent reason, it's hard not to attack back. Holding a space of non-reaction will always be one of my hardest challenges. But I have learned through many difficult experiences (gifts) that non-reaction is the best solution to such situations. We're all walking our own path anyways, and if you have faith in divine intelligence, it all works out in the end.

In the last month, I have felt joyful, anxious, restless, depressed, confused, chaotic, blissful, rested, insane and any number of other beautiful emotions; sometimes all within the same day. A frequency shift causes you to lose your centre for a time, and I feel this viscerally. I'm not sure where the ground is. It feels like its slipping and sliding under my feet, and just when I've figured out how to place my feet and stand upright, it's pulled out from beneath me again.

Such is the shifting nature of my current reality. It's a whole new world, and I'm trying to find a new way to Be.

I believe this is because my heart chakra is awakening (it has been closed for a very long time), and my throat chakra is clearing. In esoteric terms, the heart chakra is the centre of the human energy system. It spins in both directions and is the middle point between the 3 lower or physical chakras (safety, security, personal power) and the 3 higher chakras (intuition, manifesting ability, connection to the divine).

Louise LeBrun explains this much better than I can - so read on...

Battleground: Throat

2006-12-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

From Logical Levels of Thinking and the Chakras by Louise LeBrun

I believe that at the Heart chakra level we carry the past of who we have been conditioned and taught to believe we are. We carry the conditioned responses that manifest through those beliefs, values and attitudes. And I believe that at the Third Eye, we carry the potential to "see" who we are capable of becoming; to recognize grace and perfection as our birthright; and to hold that as a model or standard for expression. At the level of the Third Eye, we can know our own magnificence.

The throat is the gateway to sound; it is the junction of the internal and the external; it is the point at which information from the Heart chakra collides with information from the Third Eye and its messages of possibility and magnificence. It is there where I must choose which will direct my life. It is there where this struggle is resolved and the resolution is put forward, into physical space and time, for all to hear and know; it is the point at which I either choose to decloak and move toward who I AM, or to stay cloaked, to await the next opportunity for expression - with these opportunities never-ending.

The first through the fourth chakras carry history; the sixth and the seventh carry possibility. The fifth chakra, at the throat, is the link between these points in time as well as the platform on which we stand in the "now". This platform is my connection to what I perceive as the outside world. As I stand on this platform in the present, do I speak from history or do I speak from possibility? As I choose mindfully, information from the higher chakras moves into the lower ones, disengaging me from multiple dualities and allowing for the integration, in the full body, of new insights.

The throat is the point at which we choose either to continue to repeat our experience or choose to make different sounds and create a new expression of ourselves. Do I continue to express myself from the Heart chakra, which carries history and training, or do I express my Self from the Third Eye, which holds and defines what I am divinely capable of? Do I express in a way that I always have-do I say yes when I want to say no because it is the nicer thing to do-or do I stand tall (notice the sixth chakra is physically higher in the body than the fourth) and express something that is much more a reflection of who I know my self to be - and to be capable of becoming.

If there is conflict between the fourth and the sixth chakras, there will likely be struggle in the throat. If the rules (in the fourth) always bump up against what I believe is possible (in the sixth) I get tension in the throat: which do I speak myself to be? When the path clears from the fourth through to the sixth, expression flows easily, smoothly - and is free to change as air moves through the fourth chakra, bringing new insights and awareness to beliefs, values and attitudes (for example, I have the right to change my mind.).

The throat is also located at the narrowest, and by extension, most fragile point in the physical body. Here, the spinal column and major arteries are at their least protected. In our decision to choose mindfully, we are at our most vulnerable and our most fragile. We risk taking what has been secret and making it public for all to hear, see and judge. We have laid ourselves bare. This level of thinking has to be identified and articulated. It's huge in its implications, given that we are choosing at every level. The question then becomes: are we choosing mindfully, or are we mindlessly dancing to habituated responses? Positioning it at the level of the fifth chakra - a very high level - draws our attention to our vehicle for self-expression (sound and speech), as well as to the profound implications of choice, which are about identity, self, who I AM in the world.

Until we mindfully, consciously choose to be greater than our experience, our experience will be what defines who we are. And since our experience is limited, we too, will fall short of what holds power and possibility for us. To make choice a conscious, mindful volition at all Logical Levels is to bring out of the darkness the very act of power which, by default, is causing us to hold and maintain the status quo. Anything we can name, we can make real and visible in the universe. Once visible, its power can be tapped and expressed in a way that moves us even further into the Light.

And some general info on the Throat Chakra:

Consciousness: The aspects of expressing and receiving. Expressing can be in the form of communicating what one wants and what one feels, or it can be an artistic expression, as an artist painting, a dancer dancing, a musician playing music, using a form for expressing and bringing to the outside what was within. Expressing is related to receiving, as in "Ask, and ye shall receive." This chakra is associated with listening to one's intuition, which guides one in an optimal flow, in which one sees one's goals manifest, and it seems that the Universe provides all their needs with no effort on their part at all. It's a state of Grace. Abundance, therefore, is associated with this chakra, as is the aspect of unconditional receiving necessary to accept the abundance of the Universe. This is the first level of consciousness in which one perceives directly another level of Intelligence, and experiences one's interaction with this other Intelligence. Metaphysically, this chakra is related to creativity, creating, manifesting in the physical world the fulfillment of one's goals.

Element: Ether, as the crossover between the physical world and the world of Spirit. On the physical level, it corresponds to deep space as the most subtle physical element. From the point of view of the Spiritual, it represents the matrix on which physical reality manifests. Metaphorically, it represents a person's relationship with their space, the movie that is playing around them.

Tricked!

2006-12-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

I've been battling a terrible, gut wrenching cough for the last 2 weeks. Contrary to mainstream beliefs, I don't attribute it to the flu or a cold. I believe it's related to the release of a particular pattern of behaviour, and a clearing of the throat chakra (more explanation on this in a later post).

Because of this, I have stubbornly refused to take cough syrup, antibiotics or pharmaceuticals of any kind. In this type of healing crisis, medications would only suppress that which needs to be released. So, last week, I took nothing except high doses of vitamin C, and hot water with lemon juice and honey. Over the weekend, the cough escalated and I was woken from slumber many times over the course of the night, running to the bathroom hacking and gagging uncontrollably. Yes, it was as terrible as it sounds.

The beginning of this week was even worse. My internal organs now feel as though they've had a serious workout, and my abs are as hard as rocks from all the convulsing. On Monday, I upgraded my regimen to gargling with apple cider vinegar, herbal cough syrup from the Chinese grocery store and triple doses of antioxidants. Still the coughing continued unabated.

After 2 weeks of steady coughing, not sleeping and generally feeling like total crap I couldn't take it anymore, so I gave in and went to the pharmacy. I surveyed my options and then I reached for the Buckley's, which as many of you know, is renowned for it's terrible taste. And it is truly terrible. If cough syrup had an address, Buckley's would be at the bottom of hell's toilet. Remembering this, I put it back, and reached for their children's formulation instead. Grape flavoured and chewable, I figured this was the perfect solution. I popped a double dose into my mouth and started chewing happily.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!

After an intial flood of yummy grapeness in my mouth, the true flavour of the Buckley's took over. But this was much worse than a spoonful of cough syrup. It was stuck in my teeth and coating my tongue! There was no escape until it all dissolved painfully and slowly into my system.

And incidently, it didn't work. The cough is still here.

20 (New) Things About Me

2006-12-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

You can find the original 100 Things About Me here. Some things have remained the same, but a lot has changed since I wrote that post. That's the beautiful thing about this blog. It helps me track my evolution and growth. It's a tool that renders my deeply held patterns of behaviour virtually transparent. It's a mirror I can hold up to myself. It's hard to ignore something when you keep writing about it over and over again. Especially when the results are always the same. I read once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Because, of course, the only common denominator in any situation is your Self, and that's truly the only thing you can change. Accept what is. Enough of that though. Here we go...

1. Everything is energy, and we exist in a vast quantum soup of energy.
2. We are all connected. I am you. You are me. Hurting you is like cutting off my own arm. Namaste.
3. There is a global brain, a database of consciousness, and so when one person raises their indiviual level of consciousness, we all benefit. The consciousness level of the All is subsequently raised.
4. My external reality is an exact match to my internal reality or in other words, "life is images of the mind, expressed."
5. I am the co-creator of my life, along with Source energy.
6. I am wholly responsible for every condition and circumstance in my life, whether it be positive, negative, joyful or trying.
7. I am powerless to create change in my life, until I accept responsibility for all that I have created in the past. Thus accepting responsibility for things I am not proud of is actually a gift.
8. I believe that as part of the human condition, we are limited by "time-space-consciousness," but that time and space are actually illusions.
9. The more I disconnect from the limits of time and space, the faster I can intend, create and manifest my own reality.
10. Life is all about frequency. If you are in a place of happiness, you will attract situations and people that bring you happiness. If you live in victim consciousness, you will attract situations and people that make you feel like a victim.
11. In any given moment, situation or circumstance, I can choose which frequency I'm on. I can shift my consciousness, and therefore my reality. This can happen in a split second. All I have to do is decide. Love is all there is.
12. Every experience I have had, am having and will have is a gift. Even the "negative" experiences are a gift, for they have shown me the true beauty and wonder of it's opposite.
13. Every person that comes into my life, (especially the ones that I have charge around), are there as a mirror. They reflect back to me the parts of myself that I have denied, shamed or hidden away.
14. Unconditional love is about accepting that everyone is on their own journey, and accepting where they are on that journey, and not trying to change anything about them.
15. Sometimes you have to let go of people you care about, because your frequencies do not match up, and you no longer serve each other's highest potential.
16. For me, this is the most difficult part of being on this journey.
17. Gratitude is the fastest route to Spirit.
18. I have had only a few moments of true connection with Source, (where my ego was actually silenced) and they have brought me to my knees. To be enveloped in the rays of the sun and feel the blue of the sky as the awe-inspiring, unconditional, beautiful love that they are, is unexplainable. I cannot begin to put it into words. I just felt profoundly held.
19. I am most at peace when I am living in the moment of Now.
20. The purpose of my life is what I say it is, and I choose my life to be about experiencing love, joy, peace and adventure.

Zzzz....

2006-11-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

I've been totally slacking on my posting. I apologize. I have at least 3 different posts in various states of completion, but somehow I don't have the energy to finish any of them.

I'm in the middle of editing a documentary about twin brothers who travel to Norway for a family reunion and discover some family secrets, holiday season is upon us, AND I'm embroiled in a situation that has robbed me of many precious nights of sleep over the last 3 weeks. I am simply exhausted, but it's the exhaustion that comes from living life full-tilt (finally!), so it's all good.

I promise to post properly next week, after I've caught up on a few zzzzzzzs.......

Have a great weekend everybody. Hopefully I'll get some sleep!

So I Never Went Back

2006-11-23T10:54:00.000-05:00

If I have one true addiction, it's got to be music. Turning on my music is the first thing I do when I get home from work. Even before taking off my shoes or coat. If I'm in a room, there's music playing. If I'm in transit, I'm listening to 1 of my 2 iPods. I don't even take my headphones off when people are talking to me. I try to read their lips! If there's no stereo available, I turn the TV to one of the digital music stations. When all else fails, I sing. Yes, it's a total obsession.

I probably have about 90GB of music on a hard drive on my computer at home. When you have that much music, it's difficult to give proper attention to everything that's there. So when something catches my ear, I consider it a gift.

I've heard this song a million times before, but this morning I actually really listened to the lyrics, when it played on my iPod. I was totally present to them. And they were so achingly beautiful, sparse and sad, that I cried on the bus.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Rebel

2006-11-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Archetypes can help us shed light on the dark or little-known corners of our souls and amplify our own brilliance and strengths.

Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

Our images of the Rebel may be too closely aligned with cliches of youth culture to let us see the deeper significance of this valuable archetype. Whether politically inclined like Martin Luther King, Jr., Betty Friedan, or Lech Walensa, or an artistic innovator such as Van Gogh, Joyce, or Coltrane, the Rebel is a key component of all human growth and development. The Rebel in a support group can be a powerful aid in helping the group break out of old tribal patterns. It can also help you see past tired preconceptions in your field of professional or creative endeavor. The Rebel can also lead you to reject spiritual systems that do not serve your inner need for direct union with the Divine and to seek out more appropriate paths. The shadow Rebel, conversely, may compel you to rebel out of peer pressure or for the sake of fashion, and so become mired in another manifestation of conformity. The shadow Rebel may also reject legitimate authority simply because it is asking you to do something you find difficult or unpleasant. Be especially careful in evaluating your rebellious impulses; even if the Rebel is not part of your intimate circle of archetypes, you probably have it to some extent and should pay attention to its urgings. - From Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss

I have spent much of my life on the shadow side of rebellion. Even the event of my birth was utter chaos. After putting my mother through 24 hours of labour, I chose to make my appearance at the exact moment that the nurses changed shifts. No one was around, and I'm told that my mother had to scream bloody murder to get some attention back in that 1970s era Seoul hospital.

Perhaps this untimely entrance into the world marked me formatively, for I have shown up late, more often than not. My rebel's disregard for "legitimate authority" figures manifested into years of floating through work in total (apparent) apathy. In fact, I'm not sure if I have ever shown up for work on time. It's a wonder that I haven't been fired more than once.

This is nothing compared to the years I spent not showing up at all though. To not be present in your own life is surely the worst disservice you can do to your Self. How many years did I spend in a drug haze, running from the voices within? How many needless arguments and fights with parents, sister, brother, friends, bosses, co-workers, strangers? How much energy did I willfully disperse struggling against what is? All of this in the name of rebellion.

Look for the gift.

Those years feel like a waste. But of course, they are not. For every experience you have is a gift you've given yourself. Those experiences taught me that fighting what is, is just another form of conformity. Participating in the act of rebellion does not help you seek out your own path. All you are doing is reacting to everyone else's path. You are effectively scattering your creative power and energy uselessly to the 4 winds.

No more.

Thank you Rebel. You have taught me well. But you shall no longer own me. From Now on, I will own you and use you well.

The Invitation

2006-11-12T09:31:00.000-05:00

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

This is what she says about the poem: "I wrote what I need to remember, what I need to hear again and again: that life is full of beauty and pain; that the world will break your heart and heal it, over and over, if you let it, and that letting it do both is the only way to live fully; that we are not alone but deeply connected to that which create, and sustains all life."

And that is the struggle, isn't it? Having the faith to let it.

Gasolina

2006-11-06T13:35:00.000-05:00

My memories of Miami will always be tinged with the feeling of freedom that comes with riding on the back of a motorcyle. I'd hop onto Josep's Harley clad in only a tank top, jeans and sunglasses, and we'd take off for Key Biscayne or the beaches of Fort Lauderdale. Dangerous, yes, but nothing can compare to the feel of the Florida sun beating down on your bare arms and shoulders, the smell of the sea in your nose, and the wind whipping through your hair, as you roar past beautiful, blue vistas. Besides, when in Rome...

The first time out, we nearly ran out of "gasolina." Charming, even though it was accompanied by plenty of swearing and hitting of the Harley's gas tank. It's amazing how much a Spanish accent helps such situations.

"What will we do?" I asked, as the motorbike started to sputter.

"We will have to park the bike, find the gasolina, and take the bus."

In this moment, I decided that I would manifest a gas station. Partially, because I did not want to park, walk and take a bus. Partially, because I was having too much fun on the back of this bike. But also, because I had been doing so much work and reading on the Law of Attraction and quantum physics that I wished to try out my powers of reality creation. It was a grand experiment.

Quantum physics says that the universe is an energy soup, with all probabilities in it, happening at the same time. Time and space are illusions. We create our realities by tuning into the chosen frequency, and with the power of our belief, certainty and observation. Theoretically, I reasoned, this is possible.

I closed my eyes, got into a space of certainly, then said to him, "Don't worry. There's a gas station right around the corner."

"Ahhh, have you been here before?" he asked, relieved. This was, after all, our first date.

I hadn't.

I'm not really someone who consciously prays, but somehow, someway, I must have been, for when we rounded the corner, Josep exclaimed with wonder, "Look, there it is!"

I couldn't believe my eyes. Was this a bizarre coincidence or did I actually manifest reality?

Honestly. It doesn't really matter. All I know, is that in that moment, I felt magical. I started to believe in myself as the creator of my life, circumstances and reality. And as I continue my exploration, it becomes increasingly obvious that this is how it's always been. I just wasn't conscious of it until Now.

Here, Now

2006-10-31T16:33:00.000-05:00

"I saw the accident on the news this morning. I can't believe it was his wife and kids. He was just telling me how important his family was last week..."

Her face is stricken. Pale.

A freak accident. One car flipped onto another. His wife killed. One daughter in a coma. The other daughter physically okay, but a witness to it all. What damage done?

I give her a hug. She's shaking.

For me, it's another reminder to live in the only moment there is. Which is Here, Now. Life can change in an instant.

My mother lives her life in anticipation of a future that may never come. Sure, there are daily events and happenings that consume her time now, but by and large, her energy is focused on a day sometime out there.

My father, on the other hand, lives his life mostly in memory of a past that cannot be changed. There is also a healthy dose of fear of the future...of what might happen (which is nonetheless rooted in events of the past). Of course, what could happen, is always negative, dangerous or scary.

I don't begrudge either of them their choices. It's their life to live. Everyone is on their own path anyways.

Accept what is.

The problem (entirely of my own making), until Now, is that I have been living my life in fear of what they will think. How can this be? I am 33 years old. An adult. Intelligent. Strong. And totally capable of making my own decisions. I have silenced my own desires. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want them to worry. I feel like I owe them something. Whatever the reasons, I too, have been living my life everywhere, but Here, Now. I have been living my life for everyone but me. And that sacrifice is too big.

David Cameron says that: Time only exists in your mind. Your mind often wants to live in anticipation of the future or in memory of the past. This is what also creates psychological time to a large extent...you experience this type of time when your mind is in anticipation of something in the 'future' or in memory of the 'past.' This 'waiting' and 'remembering' creates time, and a lot of pain and stress. It is unnecessary. The most fruitful thing to do is not to remember or wait, it is to observe, experience and create Now. Observing, experiencing and creating Now is timeless and true of the true nature of the universe.

I am no longer able to live in someone else's construct of the future or the past. I can only observe, experience and create my own Now. Everyone is living their own reality anyways. And so, I choose Here, Now to experience joy.

Peace

2006-10-24T16:15:00.000-04:00

This was taken the day before I left South Beach. In this picture, I am completely at peace. Some of this was from basking in the sun and swimming in the ocean for 2 weeks. Some was from meeting and connecting with people from all over the world. Mostly though, the peace came from integrating a bunch of thoughts and ideas that have been ricocheting noisily around my head for the last 6 months. They finally found anchor and settled. The experiences I had in Miami and the people I met crystalized the path of my life. It was a beautiful moment of clarity.

I don't believe that life is random. I think it's a magical, wondrous, divine adventure. There's an intelligence about it all. When you remember how to remove yourself from your attachments, take a step outside yourself, and observe, you can see the patterns of your life. You can surrender to the present moment, because NOW is all there is, and pull all the richness you need out of it. You see how one thing leads to another, how one behaviour leads to another, in essence, how you have created your life. If you accept that you alone have created the conditions of your life - all of them, good or bad - you can shift possibility. If you trust yourself, go inside, listen to your intuition and step courageously into the mystery of it all, everything falls into place and there is no room for fear. Powerlessness morphs into directed consciousness and intention (2 sides of the same coin), and opportunities for profound transformation are readily available.

Live in the moment. Live in gratitude. Look for the gift. Accept what is.

I'm back!

2006-10-20T12:11:00.001-04:00

Well, I'm back from beautiful Miami. We were having such an amazing time that we just had to extend our trip! We got back last night at 4AM after hours of flight delays through Fort Lauderdale and Georgia.

The trip was an adventure from the moment we set down, and I'm still processing the experience. It was definitely transformational. I was touched, moved, and changed somehow, and only now beginning to understand how.

I met so many people that helped me see things from a richer perspective. Nikolas the Columbian Skater, Juice the Jailbird :), Good Karma Rob from Kelowna, Frederick from France, Nicaraguan Fireman Patrick, Dave from England, Mike the Bounty Hunter, but especially sweet Josep from Catalonia. Quite unexpectedly, I miss you. More than I thought I would. You were the means towards a huge internal shift. Thank you for that.

I'll write more later, but right now, I am so tired, I can barely put sentences together.

On Vacation

2006-10-04T10:51:00.000-04:00

I'm on vacation in beautiful, sunny Miami for 10 days. I'll think about the blog while I'm taking a dip in the ocean, or swimming with the dolphins, or hitting the nightclubs.

Yeah, probably not.

Have a great 10 days everybody!!! and see you when I get back!

Art

2006-10-02T12:22:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes I think people just do weird things, call it art, and then expect us to think it's art. When really it's just some stupid thing they did in their spare time. It doesn't actually mean anything."

We hear this conversation behind us. A French Canadian accent and the sound of footsteps. We are at Nuit Blanche, which has been marketed as "a free, all-night contemporary art thing."

The website describes the event like this:

The literal English translation of Nuit Blanche is "White Night," a term used to describe a natural phenomenon that occurs at high latitudes where the dusk meets the dawn. It refers to a night without darkness; a night for new discoveries; a sleepless night.

From sunset at 7:01 pm on September 30 to sunrise at 7:15 am on October 1, 2006, Toronto will be buzzing with activity as we break down the barriers between art and public space. For one sleepless night the familiar will be discarded and Toronto will become an artistic playground for a series of exhilarating contemporary art experiences.

In theory, it's a fabulous idea, and on our first drive-by, we are exhilarated, immediately tuned into the pulse of energy on the street. Queen West is literally packed with people. White neon structures illuminate the crisp darkness of the night sky and The Drake is a buzzing mass of brainy techno and flashing lights.

There is a brick wall with pairs of white sneakers nailed two by two in neat rows along it. A car wash has been co-opted and turned into a mini movie theatre, pictures are projected onto the back wall, and folding chairs are set inside. In Trinity Bellwoods park, usually filled with the homeless, albino squirrels, and old men playing chess, a large tent has been erected. We walk though the sounds of water, under a canopy of white lights and into a makeshift outdoor lounge.

"Forget the canopy," Marv urges, on the other end of my cellphone, "it's a waste of time, come to the pool."

The pool is steamy, muggy and dark, filled with swimmers bobbing eerily under dull coloured lights. A DJ adds spacey, ambient textures to the room, and spectators sit in the bleachers of the humid room watching them. It's all just a little weird and a little pointless. It is, after all, "a free all-night contemporary art thing."

It's 4AM, so we hike back to the car and head for home. But I feel strangely flat. I feel the same as the French-Canadian pedestrian behind me. To me, this is not art. This is just a bunch of stuff...an intellectual exercise about deconstruction and public spaces. The problem is that I don't feel anything. Not irritation, not disgust, not sadness. This is all in my head. My heart and gut are untouched. And isn't the best art visceral, emotional and human?

The Magic Shop

2006-09-25T11:37:00.000-04:00

On Saturday evening, we wandered into a Magic Shop. While I'm sure that May and Sarah would wholeheartedly disagree, I'm convinced that it miraculously appeared through a blip in the space-time continuum, beautifully manifested directly onto our path back to the car.

Inside were 2 Nepalese wizards, selling wisdom, laughter and peace, along with dense, coloured rice paper "that you can iron," crystals, didgeridoos and clothing. We spent about half an hour in the Magic Shop talking with them, and playing their selection of Tibetan Singing bowls. I ended up buying one of these therapeutic instruments. When I tap it lightly, it hums with a beautiful low sound and when I circle it's edge with the striker, the sound ebbs and flows in waves. These bowls have been used for centuries to relax the mind, signal the beginning of meditations and clear out blocked chakras. Modern science has discovered what the Buddhist monks already knew. A singing bowl actually reverberates with anywhere from 5 - 7 different tones at any given time. These oscillations in sound help to slow the brainwaves into their most meditative - the delta and theta states.

Quantum physics now tells us that everything is energy. The clouds, the sky, my couch, my computer, my thoughts, my mind, my heart. Everything just vibrates at different frequencies. Sound and music is vibration and frequency too. And I can't help but feel healed everytime I play the bowl. It's as though my own vibrational frequency entrains itself to it's peaceful energy and sound, the way all the guitar strings in a room will start vibrating when just one is plucked.

"If you play the bowl every morning and every night, your house will change, YOU will feel different. All negative energies will leave your house. They cannot be in the same space as this sound. It hurts them." he tells me, with joy on his face.

I believe him. So I play.

The Velvet Rope

2006-09-19T15:17:00.000-04:00

Toronto has been mental for the last couple of weeks. Labour Day hits, the kids go back to school, and it seems like everyone takes it up a notch. A sense of urgency has materialized and crushed the lazy days of summer in a matter of weeks. The Toronto International Film Festival has only added to the mania. Movie premieres, red carpets and crazed fans stalking celebrity gods like Brad Pitt, have taken over the city.

In Yorkville, land of flagship designer clothing stores (Prada, Gucci, Chanel), and poshy posh restaurants, young women dress like middle aged women - makeup covering luscious faces, masking their insecurity. Women just slightly past their due date, walk the streets with animal skin purses, stiletto heels and a look of desperation. Will they meet a producer? A director? or an actor? Is tonight the night they'll finally be discovered? Metrosexual men drive by in Porsche 911s and Bentleys, surveying the scene, slicked back hair and perfect 5:00 shadows. Do I look like a producer? A director? An actor? Is tonight the night I'll get lucky?

My friends and I walk up to the restaurant, and lo and behold there is a line of 20 people. This never happens. Not here. We stand with dismay on the sidewalk, considering our options. We are all starving. But blessings abound.

"How many of you are there?" the waiter asks us on the sidewalk.

"5!" we chorus, stars in our eyes.

"Ok," he says, under his breath, "stay here, I'll take care of you."

Rejoice! We are seated almost immediately.

But alas, we were not at an impossible-to-get-reservations-at restaurant.
And no, we were not at the hottest new club in town either.
There were no celebrities hanging out in the VIP room out back.

We were at a sushi restaurant.

Fake Beans

2006-09-14T10:28:00.000-04:00

She walks with me on my way to the food court in the hospital behind my office building. She has grey hair cropped short on her head, and a strange look in her eye. I don't know her, but I see she has a government ID just like me, so I match my step to hers.

I ask her, "Are you going for coffee?"

"I'm going to Tim Horton's, because I only support Canadian companies," she says emphatically.

I pause, "I thought Tim Horton's was purchased by Wendy's. Aren't they American now?"

She stops, momentarily thrown. She looks so confused, I say, "maybe I'm wrong. I'm headed to Starbucks myself."

Relief washes over her. "Oh, you shouldn't go to Starbucks. They use fake coffee beans!"

I try not to laugh. "Oh really...well, see you later."

Fake coffee beans?! What could they possibly be using? Raisins? Chocolates? Plastic? People are really too much sometimes!

Lanterns

2006-09-07T23:34:00.001-04:00

Labour Day was quite possibly one of the longest days of my life. My friend Emily and I started the day off at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE), and finished off at the Chinese Lantern Festival. I must have walked thousands of steps that day. At some point during the day, we paused for a much needed rest. The problem was when I stood up. My feet felt like they were on fire!! We survived though...in no small part due to the double order of fries, Philly Cheesesteak, and funnel cake we consumed, I'm sure!

We headed over to the Lantern Festival at Ontario Place as soon as it got dark, and it was well worth it. These lanterns were spectacular. The 30 lanterns were created by over 80 Chinese master craftsmen, who have been here in Toronto for most of the year working. Some of them were 50 feet tall, and 300 feet long. Sometimes I'm really proud to be Asian, and this was definitely one of those times.

Here's some pics...but of course, they don't do the lanterns any justice at all.

Prayer

2006-09-03T18:33:00.000-04:00

From A Happy Pocket Full of Money by David Cameron (which is blowing my mind):

What does it mean to pray ceaselessly? Consider this: It has been said that even before you ask, it is given unto you. It has also been said that ask and it shall be given unto you. Do you catch that? Asking is not begging, you do not beg The Source, for it is already given to you even before you ask. Begging and wanting simply gives a lack of that which you beg and want. This is not just a spiritual idea; it is also provable using quantum physics. The quantum 'soup' literally contains all possibilities of everything, Now, Here. In other words, that spiritual promise is also a scientific fact. Let us move on. It is also said that you can do anything if you believe. It has also been said that whatever you put your attention and intention on takes form. That is how you create things out of the quantum 'soup' of pure energy - by attention, intention, and belief.

Many masters, teachers, and sages from all cultures and times have told us to not worry, to practice detachment, to trust in the mysterious workings of the universe - not only because the universe works with supreme intelligence, but also because you may not be aware of what your soul or higher self is choosing. Here then, is what it means to pray ceaselessly: You have a desire; you will it to come into being, to manifest. You intend it wholeheartedly, clearly, focused, and with certainty. You pass this intent on to The Source, in whichever way you know how. Simple intention is enough, although meditation, stillness, are more effective when you have time to do so.

So, you pass on your intent, and you become detached from it. In other words, you watch it from behind the scenes, without a desire that it happens in any particular way or 'time' or sequence. And because you know this works, because of your certainty and consistency, detachment and gratitude, it will take form in the most unexpected and miraculous of ways. That is prayer.

Praying without ceasing is going through the whole day, everyday, with such focused intention for all your life's desires, with certainty, detachment and gratitude. This is not something you do once at a special time during the day and act totally different and confused the rest of the day. It is something that becomes a lifestyle. That is praying ceaselessly. Prayer is meant to be active, ever-present and part of normal wakefulness. It is co-creative with The Source; it wills to action, it is self-assertive...

There is no criterion by which The Source decides to grant or not to grant prayers. The laws of the universe apply to all equally and unfailingly. Prayer is an inward energetic process, a call you give out with a detached expectation of an answer, without a shred of doubt. It is strong and certain will. When you realize that even the request is not necessary, that you are one with All That Is including whatever it is that you wish to have and the granter of that wish, and the conveyer of the wish, you will truly be praying and receiving without fail. For your prayers will be of pure gratitude for what already is given unto you even before you ask. The request is not necessary. Just be grateful and smile!

The Garden

2006-08-28T17:20:00.000-04:00

In downtown Toronto, on the corner of King and Church Streets, there is a majestic old church, called the St. James Cathedral. It's bells ring every hour, and on Sunday mornings, if I open my balcony doors at just the right time, I hear their angelic song, drifting on currents of air to my ears, 6 blocks away. It's beautiful, serene and always inspiring.

Next to the church is a park, fittingly called St. James Park. Until this year, the park was filled mostly with homeless and indigent people gathering in groups, drinking or taking naps on the benches. A few of them end up cocooned in the doors of the great church next door, sleeping peacefully and safely in her arms.

This year, at the beginning of spring, bulldozers, trucks and men entered the grimy park. Stone statues of angels appeared, their eyes looking heavenward. Row upon row of cheerful flowers were planted. A fountain took centre stage. These changes appeared as if by magic, fancifully created while I slept. By June, the garden had blossomed into a cacaphony of colour. Amateur photographers and wedding parties moved in, delighting in the gracefulness of nature. Young lovers replaced homeless old men on stone benches, holding hands and whispering to each other.

And though no one told the homeless to leave, they left anyways. Propelled out of the park by the beauty of its flowers, as though undeserving of such a gift.

Inspiration

2006-08-23T10:58:00.000-04:00

A Course in Miracles says that the most effective way to teach a child is not by saying, 'Don't do that,' but 'Do this.' We don't reach the light through endless analysis of the dark. We reach the light by choosing the light. Light means understanding. Through understanding, we are healed...

...Spirit accepts people unconditionally. To the ego, this is an outrageous thought, because unconditional love is the death of the ego. How will people grow if we all go around just accepting each other as we are all the time? Accepting people as they are has the miraculous effect of helping them improve. Acceptance doesn't prohibit growth; rather, it fosters it.

People who are always telling us what's wrong with us don't help us so much as they paralyze us with shame and guilt. People who accept us help us to feel good about ourselves, to relax, to find our way. Accepting another person doesn't mean we never share constructive suggestions. But like everything else, our behavior is not so much the issue as the energy that it carries. If I'm criticizing someone in order to change them, that's my ego talking. If I've prayed and asked God [the Universe/Divine/Source] to heal me of my judgement, however, and then I'm still led to communicate something, the style of my sharing will be one of love instead of fear. It won't carry the energy of attack, but rather of support. Behavioural change is not enough. Covering an attack with sugary icing, with sweet tone of voice or therapeutic jargon, is not a miracle. A miracle is an authentic switch from fear to love. When we speak from the ego, we will call up the ego in others. When we speak from the Holy Spirit, we will call up their love.

- From A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Rest

2006-08-19T12:46:00.000-04:00

Grandmother, I have not seen you for many years. But still I remember your face. I remember you chasing me around our trampoline, in the backyard of the house I lived in in 9th grade. You were scolding me. I was running, scared of you, but laughing and rebellious too.

I see your strength and stubborness in my mother. I feel it in me. A legacy passed through generations, as real as the breaths I still take.

My mother tells me you passed on as purely and cleanly as you lived. No loose ends. 97 years.

It has been 20 years since I saw you last. My connection with you is faint, a memory deep in my belly. But now I am crying. Why? I feel my grief for you through the grief of my mother, as she feels it for you. Resonance. Vibration. Cycles.

Rest.

I love you Mom.

Ten Keys to Happiness

2006-08-12T13:10:00.000-04:00

This is from Deepak Chopra's newsletter Namaste. It's so beautiful and simple, that I thought it was worth sharing his insights. Sometimes happiness seems so elusive, impossible almost, when really, it's just sitting there inside you, waiting for you to take notice.

1. Listen to your body’s wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body, “How do you feel about this?” If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress, watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.

2. Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don’t struggle against the infinite scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.

3. Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn’t good for you.

4. Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.

5. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.

6. Know that the world “out there” reflects your reality “in here.” The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.

7. Shed the burden of judgment – you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.

8. Don’t contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.

9. Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.

10. Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet’s air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.

Time

2006-08-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

Wow! I can't believe a whole year has gone by since I started this blog.

It feels so much shorter than that, but when I think about how much has changed for me in that time, it makes much more sense. And really, do we measure time by the clock and calendar, or do we measure it by the events and emotions in our lives.

When I started this blog, I was in a pretty dark place. Closed, negative and blinded to all the beauty that's out in the world. I look back, and I can't believe that person was me. I can't believe that I subjected myself to that. Did I really hate myself so much? I have since learned to integrate the dark and light aspects of myself, and to accept them both equally with gratitude.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and the longer I live, the more I believe this to be true. Looking back, I know this journey started the day I was born, and that there was a reason behind every event. Even the bad ones. At times, it was tough...more than tough. In those moments, I thought that nothing would ever change - that I would be locked in hopelessness, despair and apathy for all eternity. But now I know that those very things made me who I am today, and I could not want for anything more or less.

I am still evolving and changing and growing - this is a process that never ends, but for the first time, I can truly say that I am looking forward to what life will bring with optimism, hope, joy and excitement. And I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.

Messages

2006-08-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

Truth be told, I had a pretty crappy day yesterday. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, that it was just one of those days when things are simply not clicking. A one step forward, two steps backwards kind of day. Extremely frustrating! By the end of it, I was ready to give in to my internal sabatoeur and walk down the low road of self-destruction. It's hard to take the high road of acceptance and gratitude some days, that's for sure.

Messages come to you if you're paying attention though. Even on the most trying of days.

"Why are you stressed?" Rosa asks, in her thick Chinese accent, as she briskly massages my face, "You have a good job. Lots of friends. A family that loves you. A nice home."

And she's right. I do have all that. Besides, why am I complaining? I'm getting a facial. Definitely a huge luxury! And Rosa is a blessing, always going above and beyond.

It didn't stop there.

I got home, and the security guard in my building stopped me, his white teeth smiling bright against the dark of his face.

"You know," he said, "You are one of the 5 loveliest people in this building."

"Really?" I was doubtful.

"Definitely," he said kindly, "You always have lots of friends and family coming to visit, and I can tell by your outside that you have a good heart. If your inside is not good, the outside cannot be good."

I smiled. The struggle of the day disappeared instantly.

I'm listening, okay?

Scarcity Consciousness

2006-07-31T14:57:00.000-04:00

Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. - Mark Twain

I'm on day 38 of a 40 day Prosperity Plan. It was given to me by a Catholic nun, and involves meditating and journaling on a series of 10 different statements about abundance. If you miss a day, you have to start over again from day 1. So far, so good. Although I must admit, that meditating everyday has been a serious challenge. For some reason, it's difficult to find 15 minutes a day to fit this in. Like my friend Virginia used to say, "The tail wags the dog. Life gets in the way...what are you gonna do about it?"

Well, usually I try to go with the flow, but in this particular situation (since it has to happen), my solution is to try to squeeze it in right before I go to bed. This happens around 1:00 in the morning, and more often than not after a long day of working, yoga, classes and socializing. It's tough. You'd think finding 15 minutes a day would be a piece of cake, but somehow that Summerlicious reservation at Canoe or taiko drumming class or jewellery shopping in Kensington with Em or the All Out War trailer release party at SPIN or planning my trip to Italy takes priority. The tail wags the dog. Life happens, right?

Honestly, sometimes I fall asleep during the meditations. Nonetheless, I can feel things shifting. Not so much in terms of how much money I have, or how much money comes to me. I didn't win the lottery all of a sudden or anything! It's more in terms of how I view the world. Something in me is shifting, and that's potentially more profound and lasting than any extra cash I might gain. I'm patiently waiting for it to unfold.

Louise Hay wisely says that "Prosperity or lack of it is an outer expression of the ideas in your head." I know I've just scratched the surface of this notion, but I'm starting to understand it in a truly meaningful way. I'm starting to see how much of life is lived in scarcity consciousness, and how deeply embedded this way of thinking is in North American society. I have friends who live downtown, wear designer jeans, and drive nice cars, and all they do is complain about how broke they are. They never offer to pay for coffee or drinks or meals...and the gifts they receive (monetary or otherwise) are never enough. All of this stems from scarcity consciousness. Sadly, when you feel like you don't have enough, ultimately, you feel like you, the person, are not enough, and then you start TAKING, to try to feel secure. This feeling of "not enough" takes over your life. And money is never the answer, but somehow, when you live in scarcity consciousness, it seems like the only solution. If I only had more money, then I wouldn't be so sad, so lonely, so stressed, so _______ (fill in the blank).

Which leads me right back to Mark Twain. Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. And I'm not there yet. Probably nowhere close. But I'm working on it.

Fixing Her Hair

2006-07-26T11:17:00.000-04:00

An old favorite...and sadly, still relevant today. Sometimes, I look around and feel hopeless about the state of romantic relationships. There are so few that are truly healthy, strong, respectful and loving. Most are just replays of tired old patterns of behaviour - full of distrust, insecurity and stasis. Most don't allow emotional or spiritual growth. It seems like the real growth only happens at the end of relationships, through sadness, tragedy and turmoil. Is it that we have to feel pain to heal and evolve? Or is it possible to grow through a process of joy?

Fixing Her Hair - Ani DiFranco

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn't there
she's humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she's so happy
and I think
this is not cool
'cause I know the guy
she's been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalize
she says he don't mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revolution

and she still doesn't have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that's just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there's plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn't hear me
she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair

I'm listening

2006-07-20T11:42:00.000-04:00

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." - The Talmud

Can you hear it?

Voices

2006-07-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

There are so many voices in my head.

There's one that lives in fear: Be afraid. Don't trust people. Don't give freely. There is danger all around.

One takes the easy way out: Stay in this place. Don't move. Don't grow. Don't evolve. Just stay here. In this safe little box. Stay locked in this pattern of behaviour. It's easier. It's safer. You will never be hurt if you stay here with me.

One lives in insecurity: You are not good enough. Why aren't you perfect? You should be prettier, smarter, faster, kinder, richer, better...your life would be different if you were just more...

Another says: Feel guilty. You have more than others do. Put other people's needs before yours. Bankrupt yourself. Put your life on hold. Isn't helping more important anyways?

Beneath this voice, is another, more insidious voice that says: You know better than they do. You are smarter, wiser, more experienced. And besides. When you tell others what to do, you feel better about yourself.

These are the voices of fear, and they are illusion. They do not serve my highest potential in any way. They do not come from love. They do not lead to gratitude, forgiveness, kindness or joy.

None of these voices are mine.

Simple

2006-07-12T15:21:00.000-04:00

I attended a wedding this past weekend. After 11 years of dating, my friends Max and Jany finally tied the knot. It was a beautiful event, complete with a sunlit outdoor ceremony, filet mignon, creme brulee, dancing, flowers and a hilarious speech by the bride's father. Congrats Max & Jany! I'll miss you when you move to Texas.

I had a rare moment of total peace, watching the bride and groom dance to one of my all time favorite songs - Sade's By Your Side. This feeling hit me suddenly and instanteously, right in the heart, and my eyes filled with tears. I looked around the room filled with family and friends, love and connection, celebration and joy, and I felt blessed. I thought, this, now this is what life is about. This is all we need, and I felt impossibly FULL.

We tend to complicate life. We make things so complex. We worry and stress. We think that it is not enough. We think we should have more. Do more. Be more.

When really, it's so simple. Just look around. At all you already have. And watch the warmth spread.

Speak Your Truth

2006-07-04T10:51:00.000-04:00

Every experience you have is a gift you've given yourself. - Anonymous

I was raised studying a fundamentalist religion. Despite my mother's hopes, it never stuck. I knew at a soul level that it wasn't for me. It simply didn't fit. Still, she tried. And tried. And tried. And I became so sick of having religion force-fed to me, that I turned my back on the Source completely. See! I still don't like to say "God." I prefer to say Universe or The Divine or The Source, though by now, I've learned that God is just another word for the same thing.

The problem, I guess, with turning my back on Spirit, is that essentially, I was turning my back on myself. Because we are all a part of the Divine - it is within each of us. I spent many years running away from this simple truth. I lost myself in self-destructive pursuits - numbing, medicating and fleeing haphazardly from the Spark within. I lived other people's lives, allowed myself to be caught up in endless victim dramas, their patterns stretching out to eternity. I followed someone else's dreams cuz, at the time, it seemed easier than following my own. I sabotaged myself. I prostituted myself. I victimized myself.

All this I did to run as far from myself as possible. I did not believe what my mother did, and because this was my only experience of Spirit, I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me. I locked a piece of myself away. Dis-integrated. Dis-connected. Ashamed. Alone in the dark. So I ran. And ran. And ran. But how do you snuff out that inherent Divine Spark?

It's impossible.

Today, I know that Spirit lives in me...just as it lives in everyone else.
Today, I know that when we act from a place of love, we are connected.
Today, I know that I am on my own journey, and always have been.
Today, I know that I can respect someone else's journey by letting go.
Today, I know that every experience I have was chosen by my soul.
Today, I am learning to release control and have faith.
Today, I go inside.
Today, I am still.
Today, I live in the moment.
Today, I know what gratitude is.

Today, I know there is much more to remember.

Self-Tests

2006-06-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

I am totally and completely addicted to self-tests. I think maybe I have too much time on my hands at work. I am a government employeee after all! But really, I just love them. I think they're a lot of fun, and sometimes they're deadly accurate. I've done tons of them on Emode.com. There's fluff there, but also a bunch of Ph.D certified tests that are really interesting. Some examples:

According to the Inkblot Test, my unconscious mind is driven most by peace.
From the test: People who have peace as their unconscious drive tend to be independent thinkers who appreciate taking the time to get to know themselves well. If this is true for you, you're probably not one to shy away from life's big questions. You may even seek out chances to learn new things about yourself. By being willing to examine who you are and staying open to your environment, you foster a kind of fearlessness that can continually enrich your life.

The SuperIQ Test tells me that I'm an Imaginative Mastermind.
From the test: You're an extremely talented person, with skills across the board. There is next to nothing you can't do. Your creativity gives you the ability to make connections between different ideas and your many skills allow you to express those ideas in any way you see fit (whether it be through the spoken word, the written word, or a numerical equation). You also have a practical knowledge of how things work because you pay attention and are a quick study.

With your great imagination, you are able to extrapolate from one situation to the next. Sometimes you are able to imagine things that you have never seen before. You're always questioning your own assumptions, growing wiser all the time. That paired with your curiosity gives your intelligence a simultaneously youthful and wise quality. Young, because your perspective is fresh and your curiosity strong; wise, because you have learned so much in life, so quickly.

The ESP Test, says that my greatest psychic gift is Clairvoyance.
From the test: Having strong natural ability in clairvoyance makes you more able to see or know things in current time without receiving information through one of your five senses. It's been said that people who have extraordinary clairvoyant abilities can get information from "mindless objects." In other words, without picking up information or signals from other people, they simply know how things are. For instance, during a storm, a clairvoyant person might simply run into a woman walking down the street and know that strong winds have just knocked down a tree in that woman's yard — even if the woman doesn't know it yet herself.

SO! At Em's urging, I completed the Discovery Insights Profile. Some of it was on, some of it was off, but like Em, parts of it really made me laugh. The wording is just so funny in some places.

Key Strengths
- knows how to enjoy the journey as well as the destination
- compassionate to those around her
- often charming and persuasive
- strong sense of humour and fun
- investigative, interested and inventive

Possible Weaknesses
- does not enjoy working or being alone for long periods of time
- over optimistic about the abilities of others
- may open her mouth and fall in
- generally speaking, she is speaking generally!
- becomes impatient with routine and repetition

Strategies for communicating with Shelley:
- allow time for fun and socializing
- don't be too serious, dull or severe
- be personable and give sufficient time to "peripheral" matters

When communicating with Shelley, DO NOT:
- stick rigidly to business issues
- assume that her sunny disposition means that she agrees with everything you say
- inhibit or restrict "networking" opportunities

Essentially, I don't like working, and I talk and socialize too much! Ha Ha!

Inspiration

2006-06-24T21:43:00.000-04:00

To be touched by the sacred also means to be touched by pain. It is part of the spiritual journey and is a question of how we respond. We cannot deal with pain unless we can deal with wonder, awe and joy. - Mathew Fox

What matters is that, whatever our fear, we make our way to the edge of the cliff and looking beyond dare to jump. For that is the action that calls forth wings. They do not sprout until we have left the ground. - Jan Phillips

Transformation means that you need to continuously dissolve the old meaning of your life and create your life anew. You actually need to recognize the central meaning of your life to be the evolutionary process itself. - Yasuhiko Kimura

City Girls

2006-06-21T00:11:00.000-04:00

By the time we finished with Starbucks and McDonald's on Friday night, it was already dusk. We drove out of the city and straight into the wilderness. We left civilization far behind. Or at least it felt like it. As we drove further and further from our last pit stop at the Tim Hortons in Lindsay, the safety of the streetlights deserted us. It got darker and darker and darker, until we were plunged into total blackness save the headlights of May's black Honda Civic.

She flicked on her high beams in a desperate attempt to see further ahead, but it didn't make much difference. Cars seemed to appear like apparitions in front of us. We turned onto a bumpy dirt road, and were surrounded on both sides by tall trees, their arms brushing eerily on the sides of the car as we sped by. The moon offered little reprieve, instead casting a spooky shadow through the clouds. In all honesty, I think we were all a bit freaked.

"OK, turn here." My directed.

"HERE!" the rest of us exclaimed, swiveling our heads to look at what appeared to be a black void.

We were driving straight into the evil forest. I am not exaggerating. There was no driveway to speak of, and certainly no cottage in sight. We bumped along for a few metres in the darkness, and breathed a sigh of relief when the cottage came into view. However, this relief was short-lived, as the glare of the headlights revealed millions of mosquitos and bugs between us and the safety of the cottage. We sat in the car for 15 minutes trying to figure out how to make it out of the car and into the cottage with a minimum of damage. When May turned off the headlights, we all screamed in terror (no kidding), until she flipped them back on. We dissolved into hysterics...and yes, we did manage to make it into the cottage. Eventually.

Such city girls! Sigh.

Happy Friday!

2006-06-16T09:31:00.000-04:00

My friend May sent this picture to me yesterday, and I thought I'd post it, cuz it really made me smile. This poor puppy looks so unimpressed.

I'm off for a girls weekend of eating, swimming, laughing and bonding at the cottage, and it's a beautiful, sunny 30 degrees. Finally, the weather fairies are on my side!

Have a wonderful, peaceful weekend everybody!!

The Red Devils

2006-06-14T23:13:00.000-04:00

22 million South Koreans watched the Korea-Togo soccer match on TV and in the streets yesterday. That's almost half the population of the entire country, and close to the population of the entire country of Canada. Of those 22 million, over 2 million watched the game on giant outdoor screens installed by the government and various corporations.

Having grown up in Canada, I can't say that I'm excessively nationalistic. I tend to prescribe to a "we're all citizens of the world" belief system. Still, I can't help but be swayed just a little, by the excitement and fervor of the Korean soccer fans, the Red Devils. I'm sure you all remember the images from the 2002 World Cup hosted by Japan and Korea. The stadiums full of red shirted fans, screaming at the top of their lungs, as Korea made it into the final four for the first time in history, taking down soccer giants, Italy and Spain in the process.

After one of Korea's victories back then, I took a rare trip down to Koreatown at Bloor and Christie, and was shocked by what I saw. The streets were filled with amateur fireworks, thronged with people dancing, drinking and partying, Korean flags and hooligans climbing on top of cars. Most cars were not allowed to pass without the indignity of being bounced up and down by a bunch of overzealous fans! It was pretty outrageous.

I think it's interesting how sport has the capacity to create subcultures and open doors. There is a growing "square culture" in Korea, that didn't exist before the 2002 World Cup, when millions of fans gathered spontaneously in the Seoul Plaza and other outdoor areas to cheer their team on together. This "street cheering" as it is called in Korea, is now a common and accepted part of popular culture.

Yesterday, exceptions to curfew were made so that prisoners at jails and detention houses could watch the match. Monks practicing asceticism were allowed to watch the Togo match as well. Given that these monks usually confine themselves to meditation and are not allowed any contact with the media, this is quite amazing. Even citizens of the Hermit Kingdom - the secretive and isolated North Korea - received delayed broadcasts of the game from South Korea with the permission of their government.

What is it about sport that allows us to break down barriers like this? Is it the beauty of the game? or in the case of the Red Devils, extreme patriotism? What do you think?

The Beautiful Game

2006-06-09T15:40:00.000-04:00

World Cup started today, and Toronto is already electric. On my way to lunch today, we passed a sports bar filled with people watching the Germany vs. Costa Rica match on TV. People of all different races and cultures were bunched up on the sidewalk outside the windows, craning their necks, and trying to get a glimpse of the score. 4-2 Germany, last time we looked. Cars sped by with various country's flags, waving joyously in the wind. Trinidad & Tobago! Brazil! A couple of Brits walked by, kicking an imaginary soccer ball and slagging the German team. I love this energy. It's one of the most beautiful things about living in a city as multicultural as Toronto.

I must admit though, that I don't know much about the game itself, outside of what I learned in my Sociology of Sport class in university. Sport is class based, race based, and soccer is an arena where class and race biases are played out all over the world...blah blah blah. I'm not sure if this is still true, but back then, seating arrangements in poorer South American countries mirrored class distinctions. "Higher" class people would get the best seats, closest to the field, and "lower" class people would get the seats further away. They would proceed to piss on the people below them. What better example of sociological dialogue in action through sport than that?!

Aside from those little tidbits, my exposure to soccer is limited to watching Bend It Like Beckham, and listening to my dad yelling and screaming over the phone, during the last World Cup in South Korea. I must admit, that my heart was racing right along with my dad's! But mostly because I was worried about my dad's high blood pressure. He gets so excited, his face turning red, jumping around like he has ants in his pants. I did not want him to explode!

I've entered a Soccer Pool here at work, and based my picks on gut instinct. I know. I should hang my head in shame. Of course, I had to put South Korea in (don't laugh) somewhere. I've got to support my own people, but ultimately I chose Brazil, Portugal, and Italy. Will someone who knows something about soccer please tell me how I did?

Tyranny & Fantasy Hooky

2006-06-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

This quote was on the side of my Starbucks cup this morning:

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Tyranny of the internal critic.

Rational hesitation.

I like that. As someone who lets her head get in the way far too much, this really rang true. Rational hesitation is fear. It has been said that there are only 2 real emotions - love and fear - and that the broad scope of all other human emotions boil down to one or the other. Rage, despair and sadness - these all fall into the fear category. Gratitude, happiness and compassion - these all fall into the love category. I know what I aspire to, but I must admit, it is extremely difficult at times. I suppose the point is to not give in to despair...which would be fear, I suppose. These things are so confusing sometimes....

Furtheron, I'll play fantasy hooky with you!! Maybe we can meet at the bike racks after recess.

1. Where would you go?
Well, I'd book a ticket to somewhere I've never been before...probably Paris. I've made it a goal to travel to every single one of the "top 200" cities listed in the Lonely Planet's Cities Book, before I die. I've been to 20 so far, and am adding Barcelona, Madrid, Florence, Venice and Rome in October. Paris is numero uno, followed by New York, Sydney, Barcelona and London. I've been to New York and London already, so Paris it would be.

2. Who would you go with?
Hmm...ideally I'd go with the love of my life, soulmate of my dreams, to the most romantic city on earth, but since I haven't met him yet - any of my mischievous girlfriends would be just fine!

3. What would you do there?
Why, get into all kinds of trouble of course!

I forgot...

2006-06-04T18:55:00.000-04:00

...one EXTREMELY important guest for my dinner for 10!!

My adorable furry bundle of love and impudence - she passed away a few years ago, and is sorely missed.

What's a dinner without a little unconditional love?

Isn't she the cutest?!?!? So much personality!

Dinner for 10

2006-05-30T19:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, there was a unexpected transit strike here in Toronto. I took the opportunity to call in sick, play a little hooky from work and recharge. I slept until noon, recycling a few dreams in the process. When I woke up, I cooked myself a goat cheese, sundried tomato, black olive and mushroom omelette. Yum! Then I headed out to catch a matinee of X-Men 3 (which was actually pretty good!) It was a much-needed peaceful day.

I stole this from Hattigrace, who made her list a few weeks ago. If you were going to invite 10 deceased people to dinner, who would they be??

My grandfather on my dad's side
I never met him. He passed away before my dad was born. And even though he wasn't around, he had a huge impact on the course of my dad's life, and consequently, my life.

My grandfather on my mom's side
I didn't meet him either. I have only seen pictures. My mother has told me many stories about her father. She clearly had great love for him. My grandfather and grandmother (who is still alive at 96!) fell madly in love at first sight.

Ghandi
I want to know how this one small peaceful man, found the strength, courage and conviction to sway an entire nation. Did he understand his destiny before it found him?

Allan Ginsberg
The granddaddy of beat poets. I was completely destroyed the first time I heard Howl, and it remains my absolute favorite.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving, hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking
for an angry fix,

angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection
to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking
in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across
the tops of cities contemplating jazz,

who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated,

who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating
Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war...

Amadeus Mozart
The insane genius who started writing full symphonies as a small child. A man who was convinced that he was writing his own Requiem (death song) - he passed away before it was completed. During my 15 years of piano playing, he was always my favorite composer to play. There's such lightness and grace in his songs.

Socrates
The original philosopher, dedicated to the pursuit of truth. He once said, "I know you won't believe me, but the highest form of Human Excellence is to question oneself and others." He died for this cause - sentenced to drink the poison Hemlock in 399 BCE.

Einstein
A fellow Pisces and dreamer. He said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge." His theories of relativity shifted an entire worldview and laid the foundation for quantum physics.

Carl Jung
The founder of pioneering psychological concepts that I hold dear: the archetype, the collective unconscious and synchronicity, he understood the human psyche by exploring art, dreams, mythology, philosophy, alchemy, astrology and religion.

Jim Morrison
Lead singer of The Doors, songwriter, and poet. He died mysteriously at the age of 27, and lived by the Blake quote: "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." The name The Doors came from an Aldous Huxley book, The Doors of Perception, which, in turn, borrowed from more poetry by William Blake: "If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite."

The Empress I was in a past life
According to a psychic at a restaurant I went to once, I was an Empress in China in a past life. Hmmmm....

Bailey the Pit Bull

2006-05-24T17:19:00.000-04:00

In 2004, the Ontario government introduced legislation to ban ownership of pit bulls in the province. If passed, fines for dangerous dogs that bite or attack would double to $10,000 and allow for jail sentences of up to 6 months!

Individuals who already own pit bulls would have to muzzle and leash them while in public, AND they must be spayed or neutered. As a breed, pit bulls would essentially disappear.

To be honest, I didn't really have an opinion about the legislation. I hadn't given it much thought. I'd just never been exposed to any pit bulls. Of course, like everybody else, I'd read terrifying reports in the news. And these reports were terrifying. Nobody wants to read about a menacing dog chasing down and ripping apart someone else's pet dog or causing broken bones and disfigurement to a young child. Even worse were the reports that a dog in the midst of one of these attacks, could only be stopped by shooting them.

I admit it. I had a healthy fear of the dogs from the news reports alone. Unconsciously, I would skirt a wide path around any unmuzzled dog that looked like a pit bull. It was a very particular form of discrimination, but discrimination nonetheless. At the same time, when I saw a poor, muzzled pit bull, I felt sad. Somehow, it didn't feel fair to me, even if I did feel safer.

This past weekend, I met Bailey the Pit Bull. When my friend Emily had mentioned it earlier in the week, I had dismissed the flutterings of fear as inconsequential. But now, as I walked through the entrance of Lisa's house, I felt a wave of real fear. When Bailey jumped up on me and lunged for my face to lick it, terror washed over me momentarily. Bailey was a massive piece of muscle. There was no denying it. Would he chomp my face with his powerful jaws? Would he grab hold and not let go? I quelled the fear as best I could. This was Lisa's dog, and she would not put me in danger.

Over the course of that weekend, I fell in love with Bailey. He is the colour of Bailey's Irish Cream (hence the name), and has the sweetest, most loving chocolatey brown eyes I have ever seen. When we went outside to kick a ball around, there was nothing but innocence and joy in those eyes of his. When I laid on the bed, he curled up next me, resting his warm, furry head on my legs, and I was lost forever. It isn't fair that a dog like Bailey should have to be muzzled in public. He wouldn't hurt a fly. Like most dogs, he only wants to give and receive unconditional love.

It's true. I wasn't sure how I felt about the ban. Until now. I am totally against it. Without a doubt. There are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

Unexpected

2006-05-19T15:08:00.000-04:00

It is with mixed emotions that I move offices today. I'm ready for the change, but sad to be leaving the neighbourhood. It's funny how quickly you get into a routine, a pattern of behaviour. This might seem strange, but I'm most upset about leaving the local Starbucks behind. Those of you who know me, know that I'm a complete Starbucks addict...it probably verges on the unhealthy. I even search them out in foreign countries like Japan and Vienna!! I know, I'm an idiot.

The thing with my particular Starbucks, (and that's how I've come to think of it...as MY Starbucks), is that I've been going every morning for 2.5 years. Most days, I don't even have to open my mouth. This is a good thing, especially before you've had your morning coffee. They call my drink the second they see me. Some days, it's on the bar before I've walked over there. Once they called it wrong by accident, so they gave it to me for free.

Of course I was very sad when I went in this morning, as it was my last Grande Americano with them for awhile. And they were all so sweet. They gave me my coffee for free, told me to come back later for another free drink, and gave me 4 free Starbucks coupons!! It felt like Christmas!! You can see why I love it there.

It was so unexpected, and put a smile on my face for the rest of the day! Have a great weekend everybody!

More Pictures

2006-05-19T00:12:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm feeling pretty lazy about writing right about now. Those last few posts really sucked all the brain power out of me. Whew! So, I thought I'd share some more pics from my travels over the last 2 years. You can find the first sets of pictures here and here. Enjoy!

This is in a bed and breakfast in Montreal. My sis took this picture of me doing god knows what. I like it though. It feels like there's a story in this picture somehow.

This sign was part of an outdoor art installation in Vienna. There were signs with different sayings posted all over a park. I liked what this one said. The addition of the googly eyed little face on the bottom of the sign by some vandal was definitely an added bonus.

This is in Vancouver on, what I think is Kitsalano Beach. I'm sure I've totally massacred the spelling of that. Well, it was beautiful in any case. I like how romantic this picture feels, with the sun glinting off the water, and the silhouettes of my friends meandering lazily along the sand.

Opportunity Continued....

2006-05-16T17:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I think it's about time to tackle our debate about Opportunity again. I love that you guys had such passionate and reasoned opinions about the subject. With so much information available to us via web, digital television etc...it's more important than ever to have open discussion and debate about uncomfortable topics. We tend to sweep divisive topics under the rug, ignoring them completely, and thus allowing them to remain unchanged. Or we become so inflamed and angry, taking things personally, that any hope of reasoned discourse is lost, along with any hope for real change.

So here goes...

May: I agree with you on some points. Your network of friends and family definitely influences what you choose to do, hence the Indian cabbies, Chinese laundromats, you mentioned. You also said that the theory behind equal opportunity rights, "is that you must be equal in every other aspect related to qualification..." And I agree to some extent. I'm not saying that we should just hand jobs over to people because they are immigrants. I am saying that immigrants are not given equal access to opportunities, even when the qualifications are similar, and that's a sense of entitlement that is owned by our majority. I mean, how many cab drivers speak perfect English? How many are highly educated? A lot of them. Do they have equal access to all the opportunities that someone who was born here does? I don't think so.

Furtheron: I suppose that I have an extremely idealistic view of things. You're right - history does go around and around and around. But aren't we supposed to learn from history? Aren't we supposed to have the wisdom to make courageous choices and change things? Is it a good enough excuse to say that eventually my descendents will be enslaved by the "next world power," and thus I should get mine while I can? At some point, we have to stop these cycles of abuse, power and victim consciousness. And I say that we are evolved enough at this point, that we should start today!

Em: I'm not saying that we should just hand jobs over to people because they are immigrants. They should definitely be qualified for the jobs they are applying for. I'm saying that immigrants have it a lot tougher, even when they are equally qualified. I don't know too many immigrants that go around expecting handouts. Most are extremely hard working, and grateful to have any job at all. They appreciate how good we have it here in Canada. I'm sure I'll be lynched for saying this, but most of the panhandlers on the street in Toronto, are caucasian. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a homeless person that was a minority. Why is that? I don't think that you can realistically take away the race card. It's a factor in almost every socioeconomic situation out there. I would love the day that we didn't even have to say things like "race card," cuz then it would mean that we'd really dealt with the issue once and for all.

Of course, you all know from my Political Compass, that I'm basically a Communist, as is Furtheron...hardy har har...Have you guys done it? Em and May, I am curious about what your results would be. I'm betting that you are both further to the right.

Overall, I guess my point is that we need to take care of each other. We're human. And ultimately, I don't like to see people suffering. I don't like it when I see a single mother working 2 jobs. I don't like it when I'm in a restaurant and all the busboys are brown, and all the waiters are white. I don't like it when my cab driver is a professor and can't catch a break because of his accent or the colour of his skin.

Ultimately, we aren't all equal. That's a fact. Some of us are smarter. Some of us are harder working. Some of us have better connections. Some of us don't. I just believe that if you have more, you should give to those who have less. No matter what the reason is. That's just compassion.

Beauty

2006-05-11T15:59:00.000-04:00

True beauty comes from being committed to something other than yourself.

I read this great quote in a magazine, and thought it really rang true. For instance, Angelina Jolie is physically beautiful...there's no question about that! But I think that what makes her truly beautiful is that she's not completely self-absorbed. I mean it doesn't seem like she cares about what she looks like. Nor does she care if other people find her beautiful. She's stunning because she's committed to something larger than herself. Does she spend all day examining herself in the mirror and making sure that she doesn't have any new wrinkles? Does she compare herself to other women all day long? Does she only see her worth through the eyes of men? Does she focus on these superficial, external things? I don't think so. Why? Because she's too busy focused on things that make her feel good internally. She's too busy making a difference to someone other than herself.

Physical appearance has become ridiculously important in our society. We've become increasingly greedy, self-absorbed and narcissistic. And I think that things are getting out of control. Why does a 15 year old need a $800 LV purse? Why does a 30 year old need Botox? For that matter, why do I need $300 Versace sunglasses?

It's getting harder and harder to keep up with our "culture of cool." Keeping up with the Jones' these days means something a lot different than it did when I was growing up. Back then it was getting a TV and a microwave. Now, it's about owning the right designer jeans, looking as young and beautiful as possible, and getting behind the velvet rope. We're all celebrities, right?!

Of course, I'm as guilty as anyone else. Did I really need those Versace shades? No. Could I really afford them? No. Why did I buy them then? Because I liked them, and if I'm truly honest with myself, because I liked the label too. I liked what the label means. I think my point is that we all need to try to disconnect from these types of external things as much as we can. Granted it's difficult when you're surrounded by want more, need more, must have more messages all the time.

Still. What gives me the greatest pleasure is that which is intrinsic. That which is outside the context of our consumerist culture. Nothing feels better than a sense of accomplishment, be it creative, spiritual or athletic.

Not even putting on a pair of $300 Versace shades.

Weird and Wonderful

2006-05-09T16:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been feeling a little under the weather, so will reply to all your wonderful arguments on the Opportunity post later on. I think I need as much brain power as possible to tackle that one!

Saturday was a wacky day.

I was roused from deep sleep by the sounds of whistles and drums. It sounded like a full marching band was crossing the street in front of my house. Turns out that it was really only 4 drums and a cymbal, and it was 3 blocks away, but still...

Lemme tell you, drum sound really carries down empty streets. It was only 9:30 on Saturday morning and much too early to be awake! But my curiousity got the better of me. I had to know what the hell this sound was, and why a drumline was marching through the streets of downtown Toronto. I dragged myself out of bed and onto the balcony in my furry slippers, looked down and saw a steady stream of runners passing by. It was the Sporting Life 10K race, complete with drum accompaniment for encouragement! It was an interesting way to start the weekend, to say the least.

Later on that evening, I went for my own run on the waterfront. On my way back, I had to cross under an underpass, and got stopped at the lights. I saw some motion out of the corner of my eye. So I turned and looked across 4 lanes of traffic to the sidewalk on the other side. The guy on the other side, in running gear, paused, looked over, and immediately broke into a breakdancing routine - popping, locking and moonwalking. I couldn't help but laugh and applaud. He gave me a bow, the light turned green, and with that, we were both off and running in opposite directions.

I love little pieces of weirdness like that!

Opportunity

2006-05-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

This is a reply to Furtheron's comment on Caste System below. I started writing a reply, but it got really long and turned into a sorta post, so I figured I'd just make it into one!

Most societies are structured like this. The sad fact is that we build our societies on the backs of people who have less. And it's not just with different races. Rich and powerful women will build their lives on the backs of poorer women, just like restaurants will save their "best" positions for the majority. How many maids do you think are caucasion? How many waiters do you think are black?

I see what you're saying though, and I agree with you to some extent. If we're really honest about it, it's clear that this kind of wide-scale change, would lead to the crumbling of our civilization as we know it. But that doesn't mean we can't look at ways for it to improve. I'm an idealist, and I tend to see the potential/possibility of something - my own rose-coloured view of the world. Besides, I think that dialogue about this stuff is important. Let's think, argue and debate. I mean, how are we supposed to change things, if we can't talk about it?

Essentially, I think it's a question of opportunity. Why should we assume that the immigrant who comes from a poor country is happy to make less money? And is it okay to pay them less because they are happy about it? Shouldn't we all have equal opportunity and access? I mean, how many Arab, Pakistani and Indian professors do you have driving cabs? How many engineers from China are packing boxes? Do you really think that they wouldn't prefer to be making more money, supporting their families, and contributing to society? I don't think that just because they are willing to do those jobs, that it is okay for the majority to just hand the scraps over to them. (Of course, underlying all of that is the question of gratitude in a spiritual sense - but I'm not even gonna go there...) We all lose when this happens. They are weakened and disenfranchised, and we don't get to benefit from their talents, skills and energy.

Some people will argue that minorities and immigrants have equal opportunity here in Canada or the US or in the UK, but really, how are you supposed to create social change when you're working 2 jobs, going to school part-time and trying to put food on the table? Would you be able to do it? It's a basic Maslow's Hierachy of Needs thing. If your physiological and safety needs are not taken care of, how are you going to get anywhere close to self-actualization?

It's difficult for disempowered and marginized people to have a voice. And it's up to us to make sure they are heard.

My IQ - Ani DiFranco

When I was four years old
They tried to test my I.Q.
They showed me a picture of 3 oranges and a pear
They said, which one is different?
It does not belong
They taught me different is wrong

I sing sometimes
Like my life is at stake
Cause you're only as loud
As the noises you make
I'm learning to laugh as hard
As I can listen
Cause silence
Is violence
In women and poor people
If more people were screaming then I could relax
But a good brain ain't diddley
If you don't have the facts

We live in a breakable takeable world
An ever available possible world
And we can make music
Like we can make do

Genius is in a back beat
Backseat to nothing if you're dancing
Especially something stupid
Like I.Q.

For every lie I unlearn
I learn something new
I sing sometimes for the war that I fight
Cause every tool is a weapon -
If you hold it right.

Caste System

2006-05-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to the Hothouse Cafe's brunch buffet with my friends, May, Holman and Jackson. I've always enjoyed the brunch there. It's bright and sunny and you have fresh waffles and made-to-order omelettes admidst the sounds of a live jazz band.

I was just through my first satisfying plate of sausages, eggs, bacon and mussels, when I noticed something very unsettling. All of the busboys were brown! Of either Indian or Pakistani descent, I can't say for sure. I can say for sure that all the waiters were white. I ranted to Holman a bit about discrimination, and being the calm Aquarius that he is, he started looking around the restaurant for evidence of this fact.

Holman: See look! There's a white guy in a black shirt. He's a busboy too. They're not all brown.

Me: Where? Are you sure?

Jackson: Um, no. I think he works behind the dessert table.

So unfortunately, I was right. Every single waiter in the restaurant was white and every single busboy was brown. And I'm sure this sort of division plays out across the entire restaurant industry. I'm guessing that there are plenty of short order cooks, dishwashers and busboys that are visible minorities. They are always behind the scenes, cleaning up, cooking, essentially being servants. This discrimination plays out in high end restaurants too...except of course in that situation, you can be 90% sure that your waiter will be a man.

I am constantly amazed by the subtle caste system we have here in Canada, and frankly, I find it very disheartening. Toronto is one of the most multicultural cities in the world, yet this sort of thing still happens. And is in fact, prevalant. And if it can happen here, what is happening in places that are less liberal, less multicultural?? It's a frightening thought.

Political Compass

2006-04-26T12:25:00.000-04:00

I got this from Furtheron's blog.

Unsurprisingly, I'm a Social Libertarian that leans to the Economic Left. I'm pretty much in the same place politically as the Dalai Lama.

My political compass
Economic Left/Right: -5.75
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.13

Incomplete Manifesto for Growth: 16-30

2006-04-25T11:31:00.000-04:00

Bruce Mau's Incomplete Manifesto for Growth Continued...

16. Collaborate. The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.

17. ____________________. Intentionally left blank. Allow space for the ideas you haven’t had yet, and for the ideas of others.

18. Stay up late. Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.

19. Work the metaphor. Every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. Work on what it stands for.

20. Be careful to take risks. Time is genetic. Today is the child of yesterday and the parent of tomorrow. The work you produce today will create your future.

21. Repeat yourself. If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.

22. Make your own tools. Hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. Even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. Remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.

23. Stand on someone’s shoulders. You can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. And the view is so much better.

24. Avoid software. The problem with software is that everyone has it.

25. Don’t clean your desk. You might find something in the morning that you can’t see tonight.

26. Don’t enter awards competitions. Just don’t. It’s not good for you.

27. Read only left-hand pages. Marshall McLuhan did this. By decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our "noodle."

28. Make new words. Expand the lexicon. The new conditions demand a new way of thinking. The thinking demands new forms of expression. The expression generates new conditions.

29. Think with your mind. Forget technology. Creativity is not device-dependent.

30. Organization = Liberty. Real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. That context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. The myth of a split between "creatives" and "suits" is what Leonard Cohen calls a 'charming artifact of the past.'

The conclusion on my next post.

Dispersed

2006-04-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

I thought I would make a note of this historic day. For the first time EVER, the members of my family are in different, separate locations. There's always been at least 2 of us in the same city at the same time. But today, we are scattered all over the place!

I'm home, here in Toronto, blogging away.

My sister's home in Calgary, holding down the fort.

My brother just finished climbing Machu Piccu, and is on his way to Costa Rica.

My mom's visiting a friend in Edmonton.

And my dad is travelling through Korea and China.

It feels strange, like unseen threads of myself, parts of my tribe, are dispersed all over the world.

Incomplete Manifesto for Growth: 1-15

2006-04-21T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've always loved this, and try to live by it as much as possible. This is Bruce Mau's Incomplete Manifesto for Growth.

1. Allow events to change you. You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

2. Forget about good. Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth.

3. Process is more important than outcome. When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we've already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child). Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

5. Go deep. The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

6. Capture accidents. The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

7. Study. A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.

8. Drift. Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

9. Begin anywhere. John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.

10. Everyone is a leader. Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.

11. Harvest ideas. Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.

12. Keep moving. The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.

13. Slow down. Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves.

14. Don’t be cool. Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort.

15. Ask stupid questions. Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.

Numbers 16-30 on my next post.

Six Degrees

2006-04-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

On Good Friday, my friend Em and I went to McDonald's for a greasy, guilt-inducing breakfast. We ordered our sausage'n'egg McMuffins, and then moved to the side to await our salty feast. We giggled away as we read our horoscopes and discussed the events of the past week.

Em and I are always giggly together, like little girls. I have come to realize that this closeness comes from a profound connection between our "inner children." Hanging out with Em is like playing. When we're together, it always feels like we're about to embark on some grand adventure. Even if we're only going to McDonald's. We have the innocence of two little kids out to explore the brave new world, and it's always a lot of fun.

"Hey, do you guys know if Eaton Centre is open today?"

We turned to see a tall young man, smiling and looking at us inquiringly. While we weren't able to answer his question definitively, we did end up having a strange conversation with him about V for Vendetta and astrology. Standard fare when Em and I are together. Our order came up and that was that. Or so we thought.

Fast forward to Saturday night.

I went to this great new lounge/club in my neighbourhood to celebrate the launch of a friend's book. After a few hours inside, we headed outside for a break. Lo and behold! Who was standing at the door, but the guy from McDonald's! Talk about a coincidence! His name was Shaun.

Shaun ended up coming inside and hanging out with us for awhile. Now, here's the really weird part. As we were sitting in the club chatting, Smelly Belly looked over curiously. And then looked over again.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, "You're my next door neighbour!"

It turned out that Shaun knew quite a few of the same people as we did. I love it when this kind of stuff happens!

The Vinyl Monstrosity

2006-04-13T10:14:00.000-04:00

This is my old couch.

As you can see, it's a lovely mustard yellow colour, and made of a sticky, sweaty, pleathery vinylish type material. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I do know that it's disgusting. It was a hand-me down from a friend that moved back to Germany a few years ago. I took it despite it's monstrous appearance, because I'd just bought a condo after a year of unemployment. How that works, I'm not sure. Still, it happened. So there I was, in a beautiful condo in the heart of downtown Toronto. Nine foot concrete ceilings, floor to ceiling windows, stainless steel appliances - a dream come true.

With no furniture except an old futon, a table and 2 chairs, it was pretty empty. Until of course, that couch arrived. But hey, what're you gonna do? I had to have something to sit on, and couldn't afford to buy a new couch.

Well!

This is my ultra sexy and stylish new couch. I am pleased to report that the vinyl monstrosity has finally been retired. The last time I saw him, he had been stolen from the garbage dumpster, and was being loaded into someone else's moving truck. I was amused by the sight to say the least.

I hope he serves his new owners as well as he served me.

Farewell vinyl monstrosity. I wish you well.

The Words of Strangers

2006-04-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

"Finally, caught up with you!" he says, laughing, as he rollerblades by.

Through panted breaths, I laugh with him, squinting under the brilliant azure of the afternoon sky.

Swish. Swish. Swish. Arms swinging smoothly. Then he is gone, lost in the distance. The sun obscuring my vision.

He was being kind. Yesterday, I went for my first run of the spring season. I am not a natural runner under the best of conditions, so the first time is always really tough for me. I was running really slow, and labouring pretty hard when he passed me. I was ready to quit.

His words of encouragement spurred me on. I pushed on for a few extra painful minutes, before stopping satisfied and proud of myself.

It reminded me of something that happened to this guy I knew a few years ago. I wouldn't call him a friend now, but he was then. He was a friend in the way that people who enable each other are friends. We partied pretty hard together. He was part of a group of friends on a downward spiral. A few of us made the choice to stop and move forward. A few of us didn't. They are lost forever.

Back then, it was just about the party. We were dabbling, being rebellious, having fun. Except him. He was a hard case. There was a darkness and sadness in him that we couldn't touch. He was always in a drug-fuelled state of depression or anger, running desperately from himself. At one point, he sunk so low, that he decided to kill himself. The only thing that stopped him, were the words of a stranger.

He walked into a convenience store to buy smokes, and the clerk behind the counter looked at him, and said, "today, the sun shines only for you." I don't know why he said this. Perhaps he could sense his despair.

Words. They make a difference.

9-5

2006-04-06T12:13:00.000-04:00

I recently made a commitment to being on time for work. For 2 years, I was able to bend the will of management to my schedule, and come in at 10:30. I'm not exactly sure how. Still, it worked for me. I am a noctournal creature by nature. My mind and body truly wake up around 11PM every night. My most creative hours are definitely when it's dark outside, as many all-night editing sessions would attest to. And back in my party days, the breaking of dawn was cause for great disappointment. I didn't want to go home!

But ever since I took on the mantle of permanent government employee, the demands to come in on time have increased exponentially. I am exhausted. It's killing me. I am not designed for this! However, I have decided to stop fighting the establishment on this. I have been putting too much of my energy into something destructive, rather than constructive.

Still. It burns me. As far as I'm concerned, we live in a 24 hour world. I wonder when cultural norms will catch up to our technological capabilities? Why can't I work from home? As long as the job is getting done, why should I have to sit at a desk killing time? Is it so that all the timeservers in the world can feel better about the absolute monotony of their lives? What a waste of resources. It probably takes me 2 hours a day to do all the work I need to do. Some days, I do NOTHING. If we all had the freedom to serve the world with that extra time, what kind of changes could we create?

And if you really think about it, society would run much better on a 24 hour clock anyways. Traffic would decrease, people would be less stressed, and we wouldn't feel paralyzed, exhausted and depressed all the time. Instead, we'd be able to contribute in a way that's real.

Birthday Pic

2006-04-02T12:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm feeling pretty lazy about posting right now, so I thought I'd share a birthday dinner pic with you.

This is at Flow in pretentious Yorkville. The restaurant was beautiful, service was great, but it was way overpriced! Martinis were $18, tea was $6, and my latte was $12! Twelve dollars for a latte if you can believe it, and it wasn't even that good!! The lobster and crab ravioli appetizer for $22 came with a grand total of THREE average sized pieces. Sigh. That's Ruth, Mariana, Me, Em, Sasha and Mel.

The dessert plate on the other hand, was absolutely beautiful, and tasty too!! That gelato was soooo good.

The Freaks Are Out!

2006-03-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

Hip hop beats pour out the windows of a decrepid minivan, competing angrily with the steady pulse of 4/4 house songs streaming from the Honda Civic behind it. A fight breaks out between 3 homeless people. They tussle, a shirt pulled over the head, hockey style. Punches thrown. A rock sails through the air and hits the roof of a cab THUNK as he peals away, perhaps sensing the anxious energy in the air. Everyone stops to stare for a moment, distracted, then continues mindlessly on their way, looking into store windows, fresh displays of spring. Still, the chaos is palpable, the energy electric.

What is it about the first taste of spring that brings out the freak in people? Is it that we're so thirsty for the light after 4 months of darkness, that we lose our minds? Is it temporary insanity?

It's barely 10 degrees outside, yet people are already shedding their winter clothes like there's no tomorrow. Even though I'm wearing a thick cashmere sweater and a down-filled vest, the healthy wind is still able to cut though my layers and give me a chill. Yet everywhere I look, there are women walking around in short shorts, mini-skirts and sandals. They wait at traffic lights, arms crossed and shivering, their legs unprotected, shaking in the cold. I see a flash of belly fat, pale winter white, soft and vulnerable. I turn my head.

Why must I be subjected to such things so soon?

Happy Birthday Smelly!

2006-03-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

So many March birthdays!! Happy Birthday Smelanie.

You have courageously stepped onto the path of your destiny with all it's unexpected twists and turns. You're on the beautiful journey, my friend!

Love, light and blessings!

People I Have Known

2006-03-26T19:43:00.000-05:00

I bumped into someone from my sordid past on Friday night. I was shocked to run into him, but because of the location, not overly surprised either, if that makes sense. I always find it strangely sad that when you revisit your past, you find people you knew and interacted with, in the exact same place as they were, when you moved forward. It's like time froze, and their feet got stuck in the mud, while you were able to yank your feet out and run on. Five years ago, a glance from him was everything - he was a beautiful, wounded man with his whole life in front of him. Now, he looks hard. The years of partying have taken their toll. Now, it's just tragic. What a waste.

Of course, there are those that believe that time is an artificial concept anyways. And that everything actually happens at the same time. Deepak Chopra calls this the "nonlocal domain," the level of consciousness and intelligence. This is the place of universality and pure potential, and operates beyond the reaches of space and time. When you live your life on this level, you can access the magic of coincidence and synchrodestiny.

Oops! Off on a tangent there...sorreee...

It reminded me of all the people I have known in the past, and the strange ways they have of reappearing in your life. A friend of mine just moved into a new place in Little Italy with his girlfriend. A girl from his past - Krista - happens to live 4 doors down. Someone from his old advertising agency in Calgary lives in the neighbourhood too. How does this happen?? Unfinished business perhaps?

I coined this girl, Krista SS because of her affinity for wearing all manner of striped socks. Striped leotards too. In vivid colours of purple, green, red and blue running horizontally all the way up her legs. I'm sure she didn't have a single pair of black socks in her entire closet. Krista Striped Socks was very plain, with lank brown chin length hair and chubby cheeks. She did have a very nice figure though, and had long ago figured out how to use it to her advantage. Krista SS was profoundly insecure and sexually aggressive at the same time. In exactly the kind of way that made the feminist in you want to scream in agony. I didn't like Krista Striped Socks very much. She didn't like me much either. Which is fine I guess, since I'm not the one that keeps running into her...

Happy Birthday Jany!

2006-03-24T10:39:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday, my sweet friend!

You're such a sparkler. You light up every room you walk into with your positive energy, and your spirit always fills the space with fun. Hope you have an ever-more beautiful and fabulous year!

Pomeranian Man

2006-03-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

There's a faint jingling sound in the distance, like Santa approaching merrily in his sleigh. But it's almost April, so this can't be right. Christmas is long gone and the first buds of spring are on their way. The sound crescendos, the bells floating brightly through the crisp air.

I look up, just in time to see 5...no...6...no 7 unleashed baby pomeranian puppies turning the grimy city corner. The bells around their necks sing together, as they run around a tall, thin man. The Pied Piper of Pomeranians - The Pomeranian Man.

I know this man. I've seen him before. On subway platforms. In parks. Walking down the street. And always..always surrounded by his Pomeranians. The eye of a furry storm. I am constantly amazed by the fact that I keep seeing the same man over and over again in a city the size of Toronto. If you really think about it, the odds are pretty great. Five million people. Twenty-four hours in a day. Thousands of criss crossing streets. It's unreal actually. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'm sure there are other Torontonians who've met the Pomeranian Man.

Maybe he's a critical link in the 6 degrees of separation chain?? Who knows?

Fishing

2006-03-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

The sun is shining, the skies are blue and it's getting warmer every day. Despite this, the homeless man has not appeared outside my office yet. We should've seen him by now.

He didn't look so good the last time I saw him. I think he passed away.

I hope he's in a better place...fishing to his heart's content.

The Morning After

2006-03-20T23:15:00.000-05:00

The alarm next to her head sounded unreasonably far away to Lily, like it was ringing from a house buried deep beneath the sea. The beep continued to echo annoyingly through her small bachelor apartment, gradually rousing her out of sleep. Her ears were ringing. This static combined uncomfortably with the buzzing of her alarm clock into a cacophony of chaos in her brain. Lily sat up gingerly and surveyed the disaster of her apartment through half closed eyes. Yellow stained cigarette butts stared back at her from an overflowing ashtray. Mismatched piles of silvery CDs glinted in the morning sun, scattering brilliant beams of light left and right. A futon lay in the middle of the floor, a blanket thrown haphazardly on top of it. Half filled bottles of water and juice-tinged glasses littered the entire expanse of her floor.

Her friends had cleared out sometime between midnight and dawn, as she’d drifted painfully in and out of sleep. She wasn’t sure when. Lily's head was pounding, beats remembered from the night before pulsing and crashing rhythmically against the inside of her skull. She forced herself out of bed, carefully placing one foot and then the other onto the cold floor. She stood up slowly, testing her balance like a toddler taking her first steps. She was so lightheaded!

After taking a few moments to regain her strength, Lily stumbled her way to the bathroom, and examined her reflection in the mirror. She had a terrible taste in her mouth, and could barely gather enough saliva to swallow. She stuck out her tongue. It was greenish-grey, the tastebuds larger than she expected. She was dehydrated. Completely. Her hair was standing at attention in greasy spikes all over her head, and her eyes had the tired look of someone who had been squinting in front of a computer for 24 hours straight. She leaned into the mirror, swept her bangs off her face and rubbed at the faint lines on her forehead. She hadn’t showered all weekend, and the faintly chemical smell of club, smoke and drugs emanated disturbingly off her skin. She'd been afraid of washing off her high. It had made sense the day before, but in the inhospitable reality of Monday morning, it made Lily feel a little unhinged.

8:30. Where had the last half hour gone? Sometimes Lily felt as though she spent her whole life trying to outrun the clock. She took a deep breath, hoping that the fresh oxygen would help her concentrate. Her fingers were trembling slightly, reacting to the lack of food in her system. A hot shower. That would help. It would wake her up, she thought groggily. She dragged herself into the shower, and slowly turned on the taps.

Napoleon

2006-03-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

My sister drew this cartoon of a West Highland White Terrier in a Napoleon costume. I thought it was unbearably cute! Especially the epaulets. Nice attention to detail, sis.

I'm planning on getting my very own westie puppy in the near future. I'm naming him Napoleon Bonaparte, because as all westie owners know intimately, westies are the most demanding little dictators around!

5 Things I Learned From Dad

2006-03-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

For my Piggy, who doesn't understand that he is the secure foundation that I build my life on.

1. That there is poetry and beauty in sadness, that the truest thing we have is authentic emotion.
2. To laugh loudly, from the gut and without reservation.
3. That breaking out into random acts of silliness is always a good thing. Um...Lee Family Song/Dance anyone?
4. The sacrifices that are possible for love.
5. That although life and the world can be scary, I am always safe.

I love you Dad!

Namaste

2006-03-10T10:31:00.000-05:00

I turn 33 today. My intention for this year is to live fearlessly and compassionately from the heart.

I honor the place in you where Spirit lives
I honor the place in you which is
of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace,
when you are in that place in you,
and I am in that place in me,
then we are One.

We are all one when we live from the heart.