Here, Now

"I saw the accident on the news this morning. I can't believe it was his wife and kids. He was just telling me how important his family was last week..."

Her face is stricken. Pale.

A freak accident. One car flipped onto another. His wife killed. One daughter in a coma. The other daughter physically okay, but a witness to it all. What damage done?

I give her a hug. She's shaking.

For me, it's another reminder to live in the only moment there is. Which is Here, Now. Life can change in an instant.

My mother lives her life in anticipation of a future that may never come. Sure, there are daily events and happenings that consume her time now, but by and large, her energy is focused on a day sometime out there.

My father, on the other hand, lives his life mostly in memory of a past that cannot be changed. There is also a healthy dose of fear of the future...of what might happen (which is nonetheless rooted in events of the past). Of course, what could happen, is always negative, dangerous or scary.

I don't begrudge either of them their choices. It's their life to live. Everyone is on their own path anyways.

Accept what is.

The problem (entirely of my own making), until Now, is that I have been living my life in fear of what they will think. How can this be? I am 33 years old. An adult. Intelligent. Strong. And totally capable of making my own decisions. I have silenced my own desires. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want them to worry. I feel like I owe them something. Whatever the reasons, I too, have been living my life everywhere, but Here, Now. I have been living my life for everyone but me. And that sacrifice is too big.

David Cameron says that: Time only exists in your mind. Your mind often wants to live in anticipation of the future or in memory of the past. This is what also creates psychological time to a large extent...you experience this type of time when your mind is in anticipation of something in the 'future' or in memory of the 'past.' This 'waiting' and 'remembering' creates time, and a lot of pain and stress. It is unnecessary. The most fruitful thing to do is not to remember or wait, it is to observe, experience and create Now. Observing, experiencing and creating Now is timeless and true of the true nature of the universe.

I am no longer able to live in someone else's construct of the future or the past. I can only observe, experience and create my own Now. Everyone is living their own reality anyways. And so, I choose Here, Now to experience joy.

Peace

This was taken the day before I left South Beach. In this picture, I am completely at peace. Some of this was from basking in the sun and swimming in the ocean for 2 weeks. Some was from meeting and connecting with people from all over the world. Mostly though, the peace came from integrating a bunch of thoughts and ideas that have been ricocheting noisily around my head for the last 6 months. They finally found anchor and settled. The experiences I had in Miami and the people I met crystalized the path of my life. It was a beautiful moment of clarity.

I don't believe that life is random. I think it's a magical, wondrous, divine adventure. There's an intelligence about it all. When you remember how to remove yourself from your attachments, take a step outside yourself, and observe, you can see the patterns of your life. You can surrender to the present moment, because NOW is all there is, and pull all the richness you need out of it. You see how one thing leads to another, how one behaviour leads to another, in essence, how you have created your life. If you accept that you alone have created the conditions of your life - all of them, good or bad - you can shift possibility. If you trust yourself, go inside, listen to your intuition and step courageously into the mystery of it all, everything falls into place and there is no room for fear. Powerlessness morphs into directed consciousness and intention (2 sides of the same coin), and opportunities for profound transformation are readily available.

Live in the moment. Live in gratitude. Look for the gift. Accept what is.

I'm back!

Well, I'm back from beautiful Miami. We were having such an amazing time that we just had to extend our trip! We got back last night at 4AM after hours of flight delays through Fort Lauderdale and Georgia.

The trip was an adventure from the moment we set down, and I'm still processing the experience. It was definitely transformational. I was touched, moved, and changed somehow, and only now beginning to understand how.

I met so many people that helped me see things from a richer perspective. Nikolas the Columbian Skater, Juice the Jailbird :), Good Karma Rob from Kelowna, Frederick from France, Nicaraguan Fireman Patrick, Dave from England, Mike the Bounty Hunter, but especially sweet Josep from Catalonia. Quite unexpectedly, I miss you. More than I thought I would. You were the means towards a huge internal shift. Thank you for that.

I'll write more later, but right now, I am so tired, I can barely put sentences together.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation in beautiful, sunny Miami for 10 days. I'll think about the blog while I'm taking a dip in the ocean, or swimming with the dolphins, or hitting the nightclubs.

Yeah, probably not.

Have a great 10 days everybody!!! and see you when I get back!

Art

"Sometimes I think people just do weird things, call it art, and then expect us to think it's art. When really it's just some stupid thing they did in their spare time. It doesn't actually mean anything."

We hear this conversation behind us. A French Canadian accent and the sound of footsteps. We are at Nuit Blanche, which has been marketed as "a free, all-night contemporary art thing."

The website describes the event like this:

The literal English translation of Nuit Blanche is "White Night," a term used to describe a natural phenomenon that occurs at high latitudes where the dusk meets the dawn. It refers to a night without darkness; a night for new discoveries; a sleepless night.

From sunset at 7:01 pm on September 30 to sunrise at 7:15 am on October 1, 2006, Toronto will be buzzing with activity as we break down the barriers between art and public space. For one sleepless night the familiar will be discarded and Toronto will become an artistic playground for a series of exhilarating contemporary art experiences.

In theory, it's a fabulous idea, and on our first drive-by, we are exhilarated, immediately tuned into the pulse of energy on the street. Queen West is literally packed with people. White neon structures illuminate the crisp darkness of the night sky and The Drake is a buzzing mass of brainy techno and flashing lights.

There is a brick wall with pairs of white sneakers nailed two by two in neat rows along it. A car wash has been co-opted and turned into a mini movie theatre, pictures are projected onto the back wall, and folding chairs are set inside. In Trinity Bellwoods park, usually filled with the homeless, albino squirrels, and old men playing chess, a large tent has been erected. We walk though the sounds of water, under a canopy of white lights and into a makeshift outdoor lounge.

"Forget the canopy," Marv urges, on the other end of my cellphone, "it's a waste of time, come to the pool."

The pool is steamy, muggy and dark, filled with swimmers bobbing eerily under dull coloured lights. A DJ adds spacey, ambient textures to the room, and spectators sit in the bleachers of the humid room watching them. It's all just a little weird and a little pointless. It is, after all, "a free all-night contemporary art thing."

It's 4AM, so we hike back to the car and head for home. But I feel strangely flat. I feel the same as the French-Canadian pedestrian behind me. To me, this is not art. This is just a bunch of stuff...an intellectual exercise about deconstruction and public spaces. The problem is that I don't feel anything. Not irritation, not disgust, not sadness. This is all in my head. My heart and gut are untouched. And isn't the best art visceral, emotional and human?