Scarcity Consciousness

Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. - Mark Twain

I'm on day 38 of a 40 day Prosperity Plan. It was given to me by a Catholic nun, and involves meditating and journaling on a series of 10 different statements about abundance. If you miss a day, you have to start over again from day 1. So far, so good. Although I must admit, that meditating everyday has been a serious challenge. For some reason, it's difficult to find 15 minutes a day to fit this in. Like my friend Virginia used to say, "The tail wags the dog. Life gets in the way...what are you gonna do about it?"

Well, usually I try to go with the flow, but in this particular situation (since it has to happen), my solution is to try to squeeze it in right before I go to bed. This happens around 1:00 in the morning, and more often than not after a long day of working, yoga, classes and socializing. It's tough. You'd think finding 15 minutes a day would be a piece of cake, but somehow that Summerlicious reservation at Canoe or taiko drumming class or jewellery shopping in Kensington with Em or the All Out War trailer release party at SPIN or planning my trip to Italy takes priority. The tail wags the dog. Life happens, right?

Honestly, sometimes I fall asleep during the meditations. Nonetheless, I can feel things shifting. Not so much in terms of how much money I have, or how much money comes to me. I didn't win the lottery all of a sudden or anything! It's more in terms of how I view the world. Something in me is shifting, and that's potentially more profound and lasting than any extra cash I might gain. I'm patiently waiting for it to unfold.

Louise Hay wisely says that "Prosperity or lack of it is an outer expression of the ideas in your head." I know I've just scratched the surface of this notion, but I'm starting to understand it in a truly meaningful way. I'm starting to see how much of life is lived in scarcity consciousness, and how deeply embedded this way of thinking is in North American society. I have friends who live downtown, wear designer jeans, and drive nice cars, and all they do is complain about how broke they are. They never offer to pay for coffee or drinks or meals...and the gifts they receive (monetary or otherwise) are never enough. All of this stems from scarcity consciousness. Sadly, when you feel like you don't have enough, ultimately, you feel like you, the person, are not enough, and then you start TAKING, to try to feel secure. This feeling of "not enough" takes over your life. And money is never the answer, but somehow, when you live in scarcity consciousness, it seems like the only solution. If I only had more money, then I wouldn't be so sad, so lonely, so stressed, so _______ (fill in the blank).

Which leads me right back to Mark Twain. Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. And I'm not there yet. Probably nowhere close. But I'm working on it.

Fixing Her Hair

An old favorite...and sadly, still relevant today. Sometimes, I look around and feel hopeless about the state of romantic relationships. There are so few that are truly healthy, strong, respectful and loving. Most are just replays of tired old patterns of behaviour - full of distrust, insecurity and stasis. Most don't allow emotional or spiritual growth. It seems like the real growth only happens at the end of relationships, through sadness, tragedy and turmoil. Is it that we have to feel pain to heal and evolve? Or is it possible to grow through a process of joy?

Fixing Her Hair - Ani DiFranco

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn't there
she's humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she's so happy
and I think
this is not cool
'cause I know the guy
she's been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalize
she says he don't mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revolution

and she still doesn't have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that's just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there's plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn't hear me
she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair

I'm listening

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." - The Talmud

Can you hear it?

Voices

There are so many voices in my head.

There's one that lives in fear: Be afraid. Don't trust people. Don't give freely. There is danger all around.

One takes the easy way out: Stay in this place. Don't move. Don't grow. Don't evolve. Just stay here. In this safe little box. Stay locked in this pattern of behaviour. It's easier. It's safer. You will never be hurt if you stay here with me.

One lives in insecurity: You are not good enough. Why aren't you perfect? You should be prettier, smarter, faster, kinder, richer, better...your life would be different if you were just more...

Another says: Feel guilty. You have more than others do. Put other people's needs before yours. Bankrupt yourself. Put your life on hold. Isn't helping more important anyways?

Beneath this voice, is another, more insidious voice that says: You know better than they do. You are smarter, wiser, more experienced. And besides. When you tell others what to do, you feel better about yourself.

These are the voices of fear, and they are illusion. They do not serve my highest potential in any way. They do not come from love. They do not lead to gratitude, forgiveness, kindness or joy.

None of these voices are mine.

Simple

I attended a wedding this past weekend. After 11 years of dating, my friends Max and Jany finally tied the knot. It was a beautiful event, complete with a sunlit outdoor ceremony, filet mignon, creme brulee, dancing, flowers and a hilarious speech by the bride's father. Congrats Max & Jany! I'll miss you when you move to Texas.

I had a rare moment of total peace, watching the bride and groom dance to one of my all time favorite songs - Sade's By Your Side. This feeling hit me suddenly and instanteously, right in the heart, and my eyes filled with tears. I looked around the room filled with family and friends, love and connection, celebration and joy, and I felt blessed. I thought, this, now this is what life is about. This is all we need, and I felt impossibly FULL.

We tend to complicate life. We make things so complex. We worry and stress. We think that it is not enough. We think we should have more. Do more. Be more.

When really, it's so simple. Just look around. At all you already have. And watch the warmth spread.

Speak Your Truth

Every experience you have is a gift you've given yourself. - Anonymous

I was raised studying a fundamentalist religion. Despite my mother's hopes, it never stuck. I knew at a soul level that it wasn't for me. It simply didn't fit. Still, she tried. And tried. And tried. And I became so sick of having religion force-fed to me, that I turned my back on the Source completely. See! I still don't like to say "God." I prefer to say Universe or The Divine or The Source, though by now, I've learned that God is just another word for the same thing.

The problem, I guess, with turning my back on Spirit, is that essentially, I was turning my back on myself. Because we are all a part of the Divine - it is within each of us. I spent many years running away from this simple truth. I lost myself in self-destructive pursuits - numbing, medicating and fleeing haphazardly from the Spark within. I lived other people's lives, allowed myself to be caught up in endless victim dramas, their patterns stretching out to eternity. I followed someone else's dreams cuz, at the time, it seemed easier than following my own. I sabotaged myself. I prostituted myself. I victimized myself.

All this I did to run as far from myself as possible. I did not believe what my mother did, and because this was my only experience of Spirit, I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me. I locked a piece of myself away. Dis-integrated. Dis-connected. Ashamed. Alone in the dark. So I ran. And ran. And ran. But how do you snuff out that inherent Divine Spark?

It's impossible.

Today, I know that Spirit lives in me...just as it lives in everyone else.
Today, I know that when we act from a place of love, we are connected.
Today, I know that I am on my own journey, and always have been.
Today, I know that I can respect someone else's journey by letting go.
Today, I know that every experience I have was chosen by my soul.
Today, I am learning to release control and have faith.
Today, I go inside.
Today, I am still.
Today, I live in the moment.
Today, I know what gratitude is.

Today, I know there is much more to remember.