Friday, December 29, 2006


I gave up on New Year's Resolutions long ago. Why do we, as a human race, continually set ourselves up for failure? What is, is what is. This mode of being may seem circular, however my peace has come from accepting that what is happening in the moment of Now, is exactly what is supposed to be happening. No questions asked.

2006 was a year of huge challenges, growth, beauty and joy. And as 2007 dawns, and I look backwards, I feel so blessed. I am in a state of pure gratitude, and I wonder how I could ever have doubted anything. My life has been full of gifts, the obvious and not-so obvious...if only I had paid closer attention sooner. But no regrets. Accept what is.

I wanted to share some of Louise LeBrun's thoughts. They are full of wisdom and simplicity and I intend to integrate them more fully into my life in the coming year. I hope you are as touched by her words as I was.

On Creativity and Daily Living
Imagine what your life could become if you got curious - about yourself, about your world-view and about your motivation for making the choices you make. Suddenly, life would be filled with astute observations and their corresponding, life-expanding insights. The next time you find yourself in that same old __________ (you fill in the blanks: conversation, relationship, job, problem, etc.), instead of looking around for someone to blame for keeping you there, get curious! Let yourself notice you, for a change, and ask yourself the following questions: Isn't that interesting! Every time x happens, I do/say/respond with y. How come that seems like an intelligent response? How does it serve me to continue to do that? When was the last time that I actually chose my response instead of just acting out of habit? What is it that always doing x allows me to continue to not pay attention to? What would happen to the quality of my life if I did something else instead? Who would support me and who would be angry/sad/disappointed/frustrated with me? How much more of my life do I want to live like this? What am I waiting for to be able to choose differently? Whose permission do I need to be able to begin to live my life in a way that leaves me feeling alive, dynamic and energetic? Who do I need to become to allow myself to claim a joyful life?

On Abundance
We tend to seek to fulfill our need or desire for an experience of abundance from the outside. We look around us; or beside us and rarely ever inside us to find what we're looking for. We defer to external standards to tell us what we should want; how much and when we'll know that we've gone as far as we need to. Rarely do we move into those still, silent places inside of us and ask: what do I really want? If I were to die tomorrow, how will I know I've made a difference? How will my presence have enriched my world? What will really have mattered?

Sometimes, in our frantic search for more and bigger and better, we overlook the possibility that the roots of abundance lie in what we give and not just what we get. We forget those moments when we could burst – from the inside out – with a sense of joy of accomplishment or contribution or simple satisfaction from a job well done … and with an attitude of grace and elegance. Ironic, isn't it, that the more we give to others, the greater our sense of having received.

As the summer months unfold and offer up their bounty of cool, refreshing swims and BBQ's with family and friends, Mother Nature offers up an abundance of opportunities to feel the wind and the sun; to hear the delight of water-logged play; and to see the glorious moment when the sun drops below the horizon, holding the promise to come again. If we let ourselves pay attention, we begin to notice that the absence of the sun is always followed by the gentle offering of the moon. Where else in our lives have we perhaps not yet noticed that when one gift fulfills its time, another will always come to take its place – if we pay attention.

On Celebration
What is often overlooked in the small silence of its expression is that moment – or those series of moments – that fill us from the inside and happen frequently, from one day to the next.

Like a fine mist, easily overlooked unless you're watching for it. The smile from the gas station attendant. The concerned and thoughtful questions of the pharmacist. The patience of the traveler behind us as we return from our daydream long after the light has changed. The waitress in the coffee shop who remembers how you like your bagels. The receptionist in the dentist's office who takes a moment to explain to you that your dentist will be late, and offers you a magazine. The stranger in the hospital waiting room who entertains your energetic and restless youngster while you await the results. The pedestrian who stops and makes it possible for you to dart through, just ahead of the endless line of cars.

These too are celebrations. Frequently occurring moments that – if we pay attention to them and honor them - fill our hearts and touch our souls. Moments in which whatever we're wearing, whoever we're with, is just perfect for the occasion. Moments that invite us to feel what it is to be one human being, in our ordinary-ness, in the presence of another equally ordinary human being, in the creation of a magical moment. If this is not cause for celebration, I don't know what is.

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Cough

The Cough (as I've come to call it) is slowly tapering off. I've had 2 nights of blissfully uninterrupted sleep, and can complete sentences without dissolving into convulsions or spitting all over my conversational partner. What I'm left with is a deep aching sensation through both sides of my ribcage and a sense of profound exhaustion. It's been so long since I've felt fully Here, Now, that I don't really remember what it is to be grounded.

I've been through The Cough 4 or 5 times in the last 2 years, and I simultaneously dread and anticipate it's looming presence every time. I dread it because it's physically trying and emotionally challenging. I anticipate it because it always precedes a major shift in frequency and consciousness.

This particular bout of The Cough has lasted longer and been more intense than any previous episode. There have been moments when I have looked heavenward, and screamed internally, "I can't take it anymore." It has been extremely challenging to say the least. Physically, sure, but more so in energetic and emotional terms. When you clear old toxic layers and deeply held patterns of behaviour, turbulence usually ensues. And because we are all One, as you shift frequency individually, there is a domino effect in your immediate environment. It's like the tumbling of a house of cards after a pivotal card has been removed. At least this is what happens for me. Added to this is the complication of other individuals and their particular patterns of behaviour. Many people are not comfortable with a shift, let alone a transformative experience. They find it threatening on a subconscious and primal level, and correspondingly act out and against in survival and fear. Sometimes it's difficult to just be transparent, and let this stuff pass through me. I have a survival instinct too. And when others are attacking you for no apparent reason, it's hard not to attack back. Holding a space of non-reaction will always be one of my hardest challenges. But I have learned through many difficult experiences (gifts) that non-reaction is the best solution to such situations. We're all walking our own path anyways, and if you have faith in divine intelligence, it all works out in the end.

In the last month, I have felt joyful, anxious, restless, depressed, confused, chaotic, blissful, rested, insane and any number of other beautiful emotions; sometimes all within the same day. A frequency shift causes you to lose your centre for a time, and I feel this viscerally. I'm not sure where the ground is. It feels like its slipping and sliding under my feet, and just when I've figured out how to place my feet and stand upright, it's pulled out from beneath me again.

Such is the shifting nature of my current reality. It's a whole new world, and I'm trying to find a new way to Be.

I believe this is because my heart chakra is awakening (it has been closed for a very long time), and my throat chakra is clearing. In esoteric terms, the heart chakra is the centre of the human energy system. It spins in both directions and is the middle point between the 3 lower or physical chakras (safety, security, personal power) and the 3 higher chakras (intuition, manifesting ability, connection to the divine).

Louise LeBrun explains this much better than I can - so read on...

Battleground: Throat

From Logical Levels of Thinking and the Chakras by Louise LeBrun

I believe that at the Heart chakra level we carry the past of who we have been conditioned and taught to believe we are. We carry the conditioned responses that manifest through those beliefs, values and attitudes. And I believe that at the Third Eye, we carry the potential to "see" who we are capable of becoming; to recognize grace and perfection as our birthright; and to hold that as a model or standard for expression. At the level of the Third Eye, we can know our own magnificence.

The throat is the gateway to sound; it is the junction of the internal and the external; it is the point at which information from the Heart chakra collides with information from the Third Eye and its messages of possibility and magnificence. It is there where I must choose which will direct my life. It is there where this struggle is resolved and the resolution is put forward, into physical space and time, for all to hear and know; it is the point at which I either choose to decloak and move toward who I AM, or to stay cloaked, to await the next opportunity for expression - with these opportunities never-ending.

The first through the fourth chakras carry history; the sixth and the seventh carry possibility. The fifth chakra, at the throat, is the link between these points in time as well as the platform on which we stand in the "now". This platform is my connection to what I perceive as the outside world. As I stand on this platform in the present, do I speak from history or do I speak from possibility? As I choose mindfully, information from the higher chakras moves into the lower ones, disengaging me from multiple dualities and allowing for the integration, in the full body, of new insights.

The throat is the point at which we choose either to continue to repeat our experience or choose to make different sounds and create a new expression of ourselves. Do I continue to express myself from the Heart chakra, which carries history and training, or do I express my Self from the Third Eye, which holds and defines what I am divinely capable of? Do I express in a way that I always have-do I say yes when I want to say no because it is the nicer thing to do-or do I stand tall (notice the sixth chakra is physically higher in the body than the fourth) and express something that is much more a reflection of who I know my self to be - and to be capable of becoming.

If there is conflict between the fourth and the sixth chakras, there will likely be struggle in the throat. If the rules (in the fourth) always bump up against what I believe is possible (in the sixth) I get tension in the throat: which do I speak myself to be? When the path clears from the fourth through to the sixth, expression flows easily, smoothly - and is free to change as air moves through the fourth chakra, bringing new insights and awareness to beliefs, values and attitudes (for example, I have the right to change my mind.).

The throat is also located at the narrowest, and by extension, most fragile point in the physical body. Here, the spinal column and major arteries are at their least protected. In our decision to choose mindfully, we are at our most vulnerable and our most fragile. We risk taking what has been secret and making it public for all to hear, see and judge. We have laid ourselves bare. This level of thinking has to be identified and articulated. It's huge in its implications, given that we are choosing at every level. The question then becomes: are we choosing mindfully, or are we mindlessly dancing to habituated responses? Positioning it at the level of the fifth chakra - a very high level - draws our attention to our vehicle for self-expression (sound and speech), as well as to the profound implications of choice, which are about identity, self, who I AM in the world.

Until we mindfully, consciously choose to be greater than our experience, our experience will be what defines who we are. And since our experience is limited, we too, will fall short of what holds power and possibility for us. To make choice a conscious, mindful volition at all Logical Levels is to bring out of the darkness the very act of power which, by default, is causing us to hold and maintain the status quo. Anything we can name, we can make real and visible in the universe. Once visible, its power can be tapped and expressed in a way that moves us even further into the Light.

And some general info on the Throat Chakra:

Consciousness: The aspects of expressing and receiving. Expressing can be in the form of communicating what one wants and what one feels, or it can be an artistic expression, as an artist painting, a dancer dancing, a musician playing music, using a form for expressing and bringing to the outside what was within. Expressing is related to receiving, as in "Ask, and ye shall receive." This chakra is associated with listening to one's intuition, which guides one in an optimal flow, in which one sees one's goals manifest, and it seems that the Universe provides all their needs with no effort on their part at all. It's a state of Grace. Abundance, therefore, is associated with this chakra, as is the aspect of unconditional receiving necessary to accept the abundance of the Universe. This is the first level of consciousness in which one perceives directly another level of Intelligence, and experiences one's interaction with this other Intelligence. Metaphysically, this chakra is related to creativity, creating, manifesting in the physical world the fulfillment of one's goals.

Element: Ether, as the crossover between the physical world and the world of Spirit. On the physical level, it corresponds to deep space as the most subtle physical element. From the point of view of the Spiritual, it represents the matrix on which physical reality manifests. Metaphorically, it represents a person's relationship with their space, the movie that is playing around them.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I've been battling a terrible, gut wrenching cough for the last 2 weeks. Contrary to mainstream beliefs, I don't attribute it to the flu or a cold. I believe it's related to the release of a particular pattern of behaviour, and a clearing of the throat chakra (more explanation on this in a later post).

Because of this, I have stubbornly refused to take cough syrup, antibiotics or pharmaceuticals of any kind. In this type of healing crisis, medications would only suppress that which needs to be released. So, last week, I took nothing except high doses of vitamin C, and hot water with lemon juice and honey. Over the weekend, the cough escalated and I was woken from slumber many times over the course of the night, running to the bathroom hacking and gagging uncontrollably. Yes, it was as terrible as it sounds.

The beginning of this week was even worse. My internal organs now feel as though they've had a serious workout, and my abs are as hard as rocks from all the convulsing. On Monday, I upgraded my regimen to gargling with apple cider vinegar, herbal cough syrup from the Chinese grocery store and triple doses of antioxidants. Still the coughing continued unabated.

After 2 weeks of steady coughing, not sleeping and generally feeling like total crap I couldn't take it anymore, so I gave in and went to the pharmacy. I surveyed my options and then I reached for the Buckley's, which as many of you know, is renowned for it's terrible taste. And it is truly terrible. If cough syrup had an address, Buckley's would be at the bottom of hell's toilet. Remembering this, I put it back, and reached for their children's formulation instead. Grape flavoured and chewable, I figured this was the perfect solution. I popped a double dose into my mouth and started chewing happily.


After an intial flood of yummy grapeness in my mouth, the true flavour of the Buckley's took over. But this was much worse than a spoonful of cough syrup. It was stuck in my teeth and coating my tongue! There was no escape until it all dissolved painfully and slowly into my system.

And incidently, it didn't work. The cough is still here.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

20 (New) Things About Me

You can find the original 100 Things About Me here. Some things have remained the same, but a lot has changed since I wrote that post. That's the beautiful thing about this blog. It helps me track my evolution and growth. It's a tool that renders my deeply held patterns of behaviour virtually transparent. It's a mirror I can hold up to myself. It's hard to ignore something when you keep writing about it over and over again. Especially when the results are always the same. I read once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Because, of course, the only common denominator in any situation is your Self, and that's truly the only thing you can change. Accept what is. Enough of that though. Here we go...

1. Everything is energy, and we exist in a vast quantum soup of energy.
2. We are all connected. I am you. You are me. Hurting you is like cutting off my own arm. Namaste.
3. There is a global brain, a database of consciousness, and so when one person raises their indiviual level of consciousness, we all benefit. The consciousness level of the All is subsequently raised.
4. My external reality is an exact match to my internal reality or in other words, "life is images of the mind, expressed."
5. I am the co-creator of my life, along with Source energy.
6. I am wholly responsible for every condition and circumstance in my life, whether it be positive, negative, joyful or trying.
7. I am powerless to create change in my life, until I accept responsibility for all that I have created in the past. Thus accepting responsibility for things I am not proud of is actually a gift.
8. I believe that as part of the human condition, we are limited by "time-space-consciousness," but that time and space are actually illusions.
9. The more I disconnect from the limits of time and space, the faster I can intend, create and manifest my own reality.
10. Life is all about frequency. If you are in a place of happiness, you will attract situations and people that bring you happiness. If you live in victim consciousness, you will attract situations and people that make you feel like a victim.
11. In any given moment, situation or circumstance, I can choose which frequency I'm on. I can shift my consciousness, and therefore my reality. This can happen in a split second. All I have to do is decide. Love is all there is.
12. Every experience I have had, am having and will have is a gift. Even the "negative" experiences are a gift, for they have shown me the true beauty and wonder of it's opposite.
13. Every person that comes into my life, (especially the ones that I have charge around), are there as a mirror. They reflect back to me the parts of myself that I have denied, shamed or hidden away.
14. Unconditional love is about accepting that everyone is on their own journey, and accepting where they are on that journey, and not trying to change anything about them.
15. Sometimes you have to let go of people you care about, because your frequencies do not match up, and you no longer serve each other's highest potential.
16. For me, this is the most difficult part of being on this journey.
17. Gratitude is the fastest route to Spirit.
18. I have had only a few moments of true connection with Source, (where my ego was actually silenced) and they have brought me to my knees. To be enveloped in the rays of the sun and feel the blue of the sky as the awe-inspiring, unconditional, beautiful love that they are, is unexplainable. I cannot begin to put it into words. I just felt profoundly held.
19. I am most at peace when I am living in the moment of Now.
20. The purpose of my life is what I say it is, and I choose my life to be about experiencing love, joy, peace and adventure.