Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Deep End

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust

- from Afraid by Nelly Furtado

Two weeks ago, I booked a plane ticket to Calgary. I'm going home to big, blue skies, cool green grass, majestic mountains and the stillness of the prairies. I'm visiting family, detoxifying with a juice fast, and celebrating the publishing of my dad's poetry. I'll return to Toronto on July 28th.

One week ago, I booked a plane ticket to Europe. I'll be leaving the day after I return from Calgary. I'll be soaking up Mediterrean love and sunshine in Barcelona, Rome, Florence, Venice, the Amalfi Coast, Naples and the beautiful Cycladic Islands of Greece. I'll return to Toronto on September 5th.

I haven't spoken to my manager about the leave of absence I'm taking. The leave of absence I'm not coming back from.

I'm trying to move with a little trust.

I bought these tickets as a message of faith to the universe. A message that, yes, I'm serious. I'm moving forward intentionally. I'm leaping without the net, and stepping into the mystery. I am living in the moment, and trusting that the universe will provide exactly what I need at exactly the right time.

I'm hoping the light will find me.

Three days ago, my business partner called. Months ago, we'd quoted on a job with the United Nations in New York. "Guess what?" he says, "It looks like we're getting it. But I can't go. You'll have to handle it on your own." (He'll be in Saudi Arabia producing a documentary for 5 weeks - lucky bastard!)

I'm moving with a little trust.

Faith has been rewarded. I've been handed a golden prize. A gift. I have my fears. What if I screw up? Will I succeed? Can I handle this? And it feels like I've been pushed into the deep end of the pool without a life jacket. But it's okay, because this time I know how to swim.

I'm allowing the light to guide me.


EMOB said...

You go girl! Here's to moving forward and embracing the adventure called life...

Your post on love was extremely moving. Thanks for sharing as always.

P.S. Can I just say...TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!

girl and dog said...

You are awesome, Shellz, and not only will you do well, you'll exceed their wildest expectations! Congratulations and keep forging ahead!

Further on up the road said...

I have to admit to a feeling of jealousy. Nothing with the trips but with your ability to jump and let go. I have such fear of the unknown the unstructured and the risky that I get paralysed. I have the fear that the new will not be as good as the current and that if I jump I can't come back to the current.

I may need to post on this at some point. Thanks for something of an inspirational post.

Age is All in the Mind said...

What an amazingly fresh look at life.
I am envious of your ability to "take the risk" but actually I don't believe it is a risk as you can always tailor the outcome as you move forward.
Who knows where this outlook will take you. I wish you all the best in your travels and your new venture and hope to read more soon

les said...

I envy your faith. I'm too cautious and practical.

Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

A little trust...........ummm munchie I think you got more than a little trust goin'right now -your in the zone baby, the zone..keep it going !!
xo em