I think I first did it because I wanted to feel something other than rage, bitterness and numbness.
It worked for a while. Actually, for about 2 years. Those 2 years were beautiful, blissful, happy and free.
It turned in on itself eventually. I couldn't be in the world without it. I didn't know how. My self-doubt grew. My guilt grew. And I woke up one morning, to find that the rage, bitterness and numbness were back.
I searched around for substitutes. I tried everything. But nothing worked. And the numbness flourished. Until it was all I could see. That's all there was.
It took years, but I woke up. I learned to feel. Gratitude. Sadness. Happiness. Even Rage. And Bitterness. But they pass through me now. They don't have a hold on me.
I don't do that very often anymore. But when I do, I feel that numbness again, deep inside my brain.
PS: I must have lucky planet Jupiter smiling down on me. I got two more free coupons from Starbucks today, because they were cleaning the espresso machine!