Thursday, February 16, 2006

Yoga Nazis

I was nearly trampled to death by a herd of overzealous yoga nazis last night. I barely survived. No, seriously.

I thought yoga was supposed to make you calm, serene and kind. But I was clearly mistaken. I have learned that yoga actually turns you into some strange hybrid of stretching machine and Machiavellian monster.

I will be peaceful at all costs, dammit! And don't you dare get in my way! I will walk all over you if I have to!

At least when it comes to Bikram Yoga. See, it's like this. Bikram Yoga is also known as hot yoga. Hot as in 90 minutes of sweat soaked postures in a 40 degree heated and locked room. I will admit, that at times, the class can be a bit panic inducing. It's really hot, and the postures are not easy. Add to that, the fact that you are wearing next to nothing, surrounded by mirrors, red-faced, and sweating like a pig. It's not so comfortable.

There is however, one small oasis of coolness in the room. It's right next to the outside wall by the windows. Last night, I had the great misfortune of discovering that this is the prime spot for serious yogis in training.

For once, I arrived nice and early. Yes, I took the spot by the window...but only because it was on the edge away from most of the prying eyes. I laid my mat down to mark my territory and then tried to leave the room to cool off before class started. I opened the door, and was nearly bowled over by a woman charging into the room. Even though I was standing right in front of her, I'm sure she didn't see me. Her gaze was fixed on a spot next to the windows. She had the crazed look of a bleached blonde going after the last bottle of peroxide on the shelf. Might I add, that she was still wearing her winter coat. In a 40 degree celsius room!

I managed to make my way past her, barely, but was confronted by the rest of the snorting beasts, pawing the ground and tossing their heads angrily. At least 4 more yoga nazis barreled past me in puffy jackets and Lululemon shorts, intent on their final destination by the window. I was nearly knocked unconscious by a wayward yoga mat!

I'm not embarassed to admit that their failure gave me more than a little bit of pleasure.

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