Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Here, Now

"I saw the accident on the news this morning. I can't believe it was his wife and kids. He was just telling me how important his family was last week..."

Her face is stricken. Pale.

A freak accident. One car flipped onto another. His wife killed. One daughter in a coma. The other daughter physically okay, but a witness to it all. What damage done?

I give her a hug. She's shaking.

For me, it's another reminder to live in the only moment there is. Which is Here, Now. Life can change in an instant.

My mother lives her life in anticipation of a future that may never come. Sure, there are daily events and happenings that consume her time now, but by and large, her energy is focused on a day sometime out there.

My father, on the other hand, lives his life mostly in memory of a past that cannot be changed. There is also a healthy dose of fear of the future...of what might happen (which is nonetheless rooted in events of the past). Of course, what could happen, is always negative, dangerous or scary.

I don't begrudge either of them their choices. It's their life to live. Everyone is on their own path anyways.

Accept what is.

The problem (entirely of my own making), until Now, is that I have been living my life in fear of what they will think. How can this be? I am 33 years old. An adult. Intelligent. Strong. And totally capable of making my own decisions. I have silenced my own desires. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want them to worry. I feel like I owe them something. Whatever the reasons, I too, have been living my life everywhere, but Here, Now. I have been living my life for everyone but me. And that sacrifice is too big.

David Cameron says that: Time only exists in your mind. Your mind often wants to live in anticipation of the future or in memory of the past. This is what also creates psychological time to a large extent...you experience this type of time when your mind is in anticipation of something in the 'future' or in memory of the 'past.' This 'waiting' and 'remembering' creates time, and a lot of pain and stress. It is unnecessary. The most fruitful thing to do is not to remember or wait, it is to observe, experience and create Now. Observing, experiencing and creating Now is timeless and true of the true nature of the universe.

I am no longer able to live in someone else's construct of the future or the past. I can only observe, experience and create my own Now. Everyone is living their own reality anyways. And so, I choose Here, Now to experience joy.


Buffy said...

This really hit home for me.

Stupid question...but are we talking about the MP here?

EM said...

I feel this too. Here. Now. Every minute precious.

Pilar said...

I saw myself in your post. I too had been living through my parents' eyes, choosing my every move by how they would judge me. It took me over a year to leave my husband because I was afraid I would be a failure in their eyes, until I realized that I was becoming a failure in MY OWN EYES. Congratulations for living in the here and now!!!