Tricked!

I've been battling a terrible, gut wrenching cough for the last 2 weeks. Contrary to mainstream beliefs, I don't attribute it to the flu or a cold. I believe it's related to the release of a particular pattern of behaviour, and a clearing of the throat chakra (more explanation on this in a later post).

Because of this, I have stubbornly refused to take cough syrup, antibiotics or pharmaceuticals of any kind. In this type of healing crisis, medications would only suppress that which needs to be released. So, last week, I took nothing except high doses of vitamin C, and hot water with lemon juice and honey. Over the weekend, the cough escalated and I was woken from slumber many times over the course of the night, running to the bathroom hacking and gagging uncontrollably. Yes, it was as terrible as it sounds.

The beginning of this week was even worse. My internal organs now feel as though they've had a serious workout, and my abs are as hard as rocks from all the convulsing. On Monday, I upgraded my regimen to gargling with apple cider vinegar, herbal cough syrup from the Chinese grocery store and triple doses of antioxidants. Still the coughing continued unabated.

After 2 weeks of steady coughing, not sleeping and generally feeling like total crap I couldn't take it anymore, so I gave in and went to the pharmacy. I surveyed my options and then I reached for the Buckley's, which as many of you know, is renowned for it's terrible taste. And it is truly terrible. If cough syrup had an address, Buckley's would be at the bottom of hell's toilet. Remembering this, I put it back, and reached for their children's formulation instead. Grape flavoured and chewable, I figured this was the perfect solution. I popped a double dose into my mouth and started chewing happily.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!

After an intial flood of yummy grapeness in my mouth, the true flavour of the Buckley's took over. But this was much worse than a spoonful of cough syrup. It was stuck in my teeth and coating my tongue! There was no escape until it all dissolved painfully and slowly into my system.

And incidently, it didn't work. The cough is still here.

20 (New) Things About Me

You can find the original 100 Things About Me here. Some things have remained the same, but a lot has changed since I wrote that post. That's the beautiful thing about this blog. It helps me track my evolution and growth. It's a tool that renders my deeply held patterns of behaviour virtually transparent. It's a mirror I can hold up to myself. It's hard to ignore something when you keep writing about it over and over again. Especially when the results are always the same. I read once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Because, of course, the only common denominator in any situation is your Self, and that's truly the only thing you can change. Accept what is. Enough of that though. Here we go...

1. Everything is energy, and we exist in a vast quantum soup of energy.
2. We are all connected. I am you. You are me. Hurting you is like cutting off my own arm. Namaste.
3. There is a global brain, a database of consciousness, and so when one person raises their indiviual level of consciousness, we all benefit. The consciousness level of the All is subsequently raised.
4. My external reality is an exact match to my internal reality or in other words, "life is images of the mind, expressed."
5. I am the co-creator of my life, along with Source energy.
6. I am wholly responsible for every condition and circumstance in my life, whether it be positive, negative, joyful or trying.
7. I am powerless to create change in my life, until I accept responsibility for all that I have created in the past. Thus accepting responsibility for things I am not proud of is actually a gift.
8. I believe that as part of the human condition, we are limited by "time-space-consciousness," but that time and space are actually illusions.
9. The more I disconnect from the limits of time and space, the faster I can intend, create and manifest my own reality.
10. Life is all about frequency. If you are in a place of happiness, you will attract situations and people that bring you happiness. If you live in victim consciousness, you will attract situations and people that make you feel like a victim.
11. In any given moment, situation or circumstance, I can choose which frequency I'm on. I can shift my consciousness, and therefore my reality. This can happen in a split second. All I have to do is decide. Love is all there is.
12. Every experience I have had, am having and will have is a gift. Even the "negative" experiences are a gift, for they have shown me the true beauty and wonder of it's opposite.
13. Every person that comes into my life, (especially the ones that I have charge around), are there as a mirror. They reflect back to me the parts of myself that I have denied, shamed or hidden away.
14. Unconditional love is about accepting that everyone is on their own journey, and accepting where they are on that journey, and not trying to change anything about them.
15. Sometimes you have to let go of people you care about, because your frequencies do not match up, and you no longer serve each other's highest potential.
16. For me, this is the most difficult part of being on this journey.
17. Gratitude is the fastest route to Spirit.
18. I have had only a few moments of true connection with Source, (where my ego was actually silenced) and they have brought me to my knees. To be enveloped in the rays of the sun and feel the blue of the sky as the awe-inspiring, unconditional, beautiful love that they are, is unexplainable. I cannot begin to put it into words. I just felt profoundly held.
19. I am most at peace when I am living in the moment of Now.
20. The purpose of my life is what I say it is, and I choose my life to be about experiencing love, joy, peace and adventure.

Zzzz....

I've been totally slacking on my posting. I apologize. I have at least 3 different posts in various states of completion, but somehow I don't have the energy to finish any of them.

I'm in the middle of editing a documentary about twin brothers who travel to Norway for a family reunion and discover some family secrets, holiday season is upon us, AND I'm embroiled in a situation that has robbed me of many precious nights of sleep over the last 3 weeks. I am simply exhausted, but it's the exhaustion that comes from living life full-tilt (finally!), so it's all good.

I promise to post properly next week, after I've caught up on a few zzzzzzzs.......

Have a great weekend everybody. Hopefully I'll get some sleep!

So I Never Went Back

If I have one true addiction, it's got to be music. Turning on my music is the first thing I do when I get home from work. Even before taking off my shoes or coat. If I'm in a room, there's music playing. If I'm in transit, I'm listening to 1 of my 2 iPods. I don't even take my headphones off when people are talking to me. I try to read their lips! If there's no stereo available, I turn the TV to one of the digital music stations. When all else fails, I sing. Yes, it's a total obsession.

I probably have about 90GB of music on a hard drive on my computer at home. When you have that much music, it's difficult to give proper attention to everything that's there. So when something catches my ear, I consider it a gift.

I've heard this song a million times before, but this morning I actually really listened to the lyrics, when it played on my iPod. I was totally present to them. And they were so achingly beautiful, sparse and sad, that I cried on the bus.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Rebel

Archetypes can help us shed light on the dark or little-known corners of our souls and amplify our own brilliance and strengths.

Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

Our images of the Rebel may be too closely aligned with cliches of youth culture to let us see the deeper significance of this valuable archetype. Whether politically inclined like Martin Luther King, Jr., Betty Friedan, or Lech Walensa, or an artistic innovator such as Van Gogh, Joyce, or Coltrane, the Rebel is a key component of all human growth and development. The Rebel in a support group can be a powerful aid in helping the group break out of old tribal patterns. It can also help you see past tired preconceptions in your field of professional or creative endeavor. The Rebel can also lead you to reject spiritual systems that do not serve your inner need for direct union with the Divine and to seek out more appropriate paths. The shadow Rebel, conversely, may compel you to rebel out of peer pressure or for the sake of fashion, and so become mired in another manifestation of conformity. The shadow Rebel may also reject legitimate authority simply because it is asking you to do something you find difficult or unpleasant. Be especially careful in evaluating your rebellious impulses; even if the Rebel is not part of your intimate circle of archetypes, you probably have it to some extent and should pay attention to its urgings. - From Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss

I have spent much of my life on the shadow side of rebellion. Even the event of my birth was utter chaos. After putting my mother through 24 hours of labour, I chose to make my appearance at the exact moment that the nurses changed shifts. No one was around, and I'm told that my mother had to scream bloody murder to get some attention back in that 1970s era Seoul hospital.

Perhaps this untimely entrance into the world marked me formatively, for I have shown up late, more often than not. My rebel's disregard for "legitimate authority" figures manifested into years of floating through work in total (apparent) apathy. In fact, I'm not sure if I have ever shown up for work on time. It's a wonder that I haven't been fired more than once.

This is nothing compared to the years I spent not showing up at all though. To not be present in your own life is surely the worst disservice you can do to your Self. How many years did I spend in a drug haze, running from the voices within? How many needless arguments and fights with parents, sister, brother, friends, bosses, co-workers, strangers? How much energy did I willfully disperse struggling against what is? All of this in the name of rebellion.

Look for the gift.

Those years feel like a waste. But of course, they are not. For every experience you have is a gift you've given yourself. Those experiences taught me that fighting what is, is just another form of conformity. Participating in the act of rebellion does not help you seek out your own path. All you are doing is reacting to everyone else's path. You are effectively scattering your creative power and energy uselessly to the 4 winds.

No more.

Thank you Rebel. You have taught me well. But you shall no longer own me. From Now on, I will own you and use you well.

The Invitation

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

This is what she says about the poem: "I wrote what I need to remember, what I need to hear again and again: that life is full of beauty and pain; that the world will break your heart and heal it, over and over, if you let it, and that letting it do both is the only way to live fully; that we are not alone but deeply connected to that which create, and sustains all life."

And that is the struggle, isn't it? Having the faith to let it.

Gasolina

My memories of Miami will always be tinged with the feeling of freedom that comes with riding on the back of a motorcyle. I'd hop onto Josep's Harley clad in only a tank top, jeans and sunglasses, and we'd take off for Key Biscayne or the beaches of Fort Lauderdale. Dangerous, yes, but nothing can compare to the feel of the Florida sun beating down on your bare arms and shoulders, the smell of the sea in your nose, and the wind whipping through your hair, as you roar past beautiful, blue vistas. Besides, when in Rome...

The first time out, we nearly ran out of "gasolina." Charming, even though it was accompanied by plenty of swearing and hitting of the Harley's gas tank. It's amazing how much a Spanish accent helps such situations.

"What will we do?" I asked, as the motorbike started to sputter.

"We will have to park the bike, find the gasolina, and take the bus."

In this moment, I decided that I would manifest a gas station. Partially, because I did not want to park, walk and take a bus. Partially, because I was having too much fun on the back of this bike. But also, because I had been doing so much work and reading on the Law of Attraction and quantum physics that I wished to try out my powers of reality creation. It was a grand experiment.

Quantum physics says that the universe is an energy soup, with all probabilities in it, happening at the same time. Time and space are illusions. We create our realities by tuning into the chosen frequency, and with the power of our belief, certainty and observation. Theoretically, I reasoned, this is possible.

I closed my eyes, got into a space of certainly, then said to him, "Don't worry. There's a gas station right around the corner."

"Ahhh, have you been here before?" he asked, relieved. This was, after all, our first date.

I hadn't.

I'm not really someone who consciously prays, but somehow, someway, I must have been, for when we rounded the corner, Josep exclaimed with wonder, "Look, there it is!"

I couldn't believe my eyes. Was this a bizarre coincidence or did I actually manifest reality?

Honestly. It doesn't really matter. All I know, is that in that moment, I felt magical. I started to believe in myself as the creator of my life, circumstances and reality. And as I continue my exploration, it becomes increasingly obvious that this is how it's always been. I just wasn't conscious of it until Now.

Here, Now

"I saw the accident on the news this morning. I can't believe it was his wife and kids. He was just telling me how important his family was last week..."

Her face is stricken. Pale.

A freak accident. One car flipped onto another. His wife killed. One daughter in a coma. The other daughter physically okay, but a witness to it all. What damage done?

I give her a hug. She's shaking.

For me, it's another reminder to live in the only moment there is. Which is Here, Now. Life can change in an instant.

My mother lives her life in anticipation of a future that may never come. Sure, there are daily events and happenings that consume her time now, but by and large, her energy is focused on a day sometime out there.

My father, on the other hand, lives his life mostly in memory of a past that cannot be changed. There is also a healthy dose of fear of the future...of what might happen (which is nonetheless rooted in events of the past). Of course, what could happen, is always negative, dangerous or scary.

I don't begrudge either of them their choices. It's their life to live. Everyone is on their own path anyways.

Accept what is.

The problem (entirely of my own making), until Now, is that I have been living my life in fear of what they will think. How can this be? I am 33 years old. An adult. Intelligent. Strong. And totally capable of making my own decisions. I have silenced my own desires. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want them to worry. I feel like I owe them something. Whatever the reasons, I too, have been living my life everywhere, but Here, Now. I have been living my life for everyone but me. And that sacrifice is too big.

David Cameron says that: Time only exists in your mind. Your mind often wants to live in anticipation of the future or in memory of the past. This is what also creates psychological time to a large extent...you experience this type of time when your mind is in anticipation of something in the 'future' or in memory of the 'past.' This 'waiting' and 'remembering' creates time, and a lot of pain and stress. It is unnecessary. The most fruitful thing to do is not to remember or wait, it is to observe, experience and create Now. Observing, experiencing and creating Now is timeless and true of the true nature of the universe.

I am no longer able to live in someone else's construct of the future or the past. I can only observe, experience and create my own Now. Everyone is living their own reality anyways. And so, I choose Here, Now to experience joy.

Peace

This was taken the day before I left South Beach. In this picture, I am completely at peace. Some of this was from basking in the sun and swimming in the ocean for 2 weeks. Some was from meeting and connecting with people from all over the world. Mostly though, the peace came from integrating a bunch of thoughts and ideas that have been ricocheting noisily around my head for the last 6 months. They finally found anchor and settled. The experiences I had in Miami and the people I met crystalized the path of my life. It was a beautiful moment of clarity.

I don't believe that life is random. I think it's a magical, wondrous, divine adventure. There's an intelligence about it all. When you remember how to remove yourself from your attachments, take a step outside yourself, and observe, you can see the patterns of your life. You can surrender to the present moment, because NOW is all there is, and pull all the richness you need out of it. You see how one thing leads to another, how one behaviour leads to another, in essence, how you have created your life. If you accept that you alone have created the conditions of your life - all of them, good or bad - you can shift possibility. If you trust yourself, go inside, listen to your intuition and step courageously into the mystery of it all, everything falls into place and there is no room for fear. Powerlessness morphs into directed consciousness and intention (2 sides of the same coin), and opportunities for profound transformation are readily available.

Live in the moment. Live in gratitude. Look for the gift. Accept what is.

I'm back!

Well, I'm back from beautiful Miami. We were having such an amazing time that we just had to extend our trip! We got back last night at 4AM after hours of flight delays through Fort Lauderdale and Georgia.

The trip was an adventure from the moment we set down, and I'm still processing the experience. It was definitely transformational. I was touched, moved, and changed somehow, and only now beginning to understand how.

I met so many people that helped me see things from a richer perspective. Nikolas the Columbian Skater, Juice the Jailbird :), Good Karma Rob from Kelowna, Frederick from France, Nicaraguan Fireman Patrick, Dave from England, Mike the Bounty Hunter, but especially sweet Josep from Catalonia. Quite unexpectedly, I miss you. More than I thought I would. You were the means towards a huge internal shift. Thank you for that.

I'll write more later, but right now, I am so tired, I can barely put sentences together.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation in beautiful, sunny Miami for 10 days. I'll think about the blog while I'm taking a dip in the ocean, or swimming with the dolphins, or hitting the nightclubs.

Yeah, probably not.

Have a great 10 days everybody!!! and see you when I get back!

Art

"Sometimes I think people just do weird things, call it art, and then expect us to think it's art. When really it's just some stupid thing they did in their spare time. It doesn't actually mean anything."

We hear this conversation behind us. A French Canadian accent and the sound of footsteps. We are at Nuit Blanche, which has been marketed as "a free, all-night contemporary art thing."

The website describes the event like this:

The literal English translation of Nuit Blanche is "White Night," a term used to describe a natural phenomenon that occurs at high latitudes where the dusk meets the dawn. It refers to a night without darkness; a night for new discoveries; a sleepless night.

From sunset at 7:01 pm on September 30 to sunrise at 7:15 am on October 1, 2006, Toronto will be buzzing with activity as we break down the barriers between art and public space. For one sleepless night the familiar will be discarded and Toronto will become an artistic playground for a series of exhilarating contemporary art experiences.

In theory, it's a fabulous idea, and on our first drive-by, we are exhilarated, immediately tuned into the pulse of energy on the street. Queen West is literally packed with people. White neon structures illuminate the crisp darkness of the night sky and The Drake is a buzzing mass of brainy techno and flashing lights.

There is a brick wall with pairs of white sneakers nailed two by two in neat rows along it. A car wash has been co-opted and turned into a mini movie theatre, pictures are projected onto the back wall, and folding chairs are set inside. In Trinity Bellwoods park, usually filled with the homeless, albino squirrels, and old men playing chess, a large tent has been erected. We walk though the sounds of water, under a canopy of white lights and into a makeshift outdoor lounge.

"Forget the canopy," Marv urges, on the other end of my cellphone, "it's a waste of time, come to the pool."

The pool is steamy, muggy and dark, filled with swimmers bobbing eerily under dull coloured lights. A DJ adds spacey, ambient textures to the room, and spectators sit in the bleachers of the humid room watching them. It's all just a little weird and a little pointless. It is, after all, "a free all-night contemporary art thing."

It's 4AM, so we hike back to the car and head for home. But I feel strangely flat. I feel the same as the French-Canadian pedestrian behind me. To me, this is not art. This is just a bunch of stuff...an intellectual exercise about deconstruction and public spaces. The problem is that I don't feel anything. Not irritation, not disgust, not sadness. This is all in my head. My heart and gut are untouched. And isn't the best art visceral, emotional and human?