The Garden

In downtown Toronto, on the corner of King and Church Streets, there is a majestic old church, called the St. James Cathedral. It's bells ring every hour, and on Sunday mornings, if I open my balcony doors at just the right time, I hear their angelic song, drifting on currents of air to my ears, 6 blocks away. It's beautiful, serene and always inspiring.

Next to the church is a park, fittingly called St. James Park. Until this year, the park was filled mostly with homeless and indigent people gathering in groups, drinking or taking naps on the benches. A few of them end up cocooned in the doors of the great church next door, sleeping peacefully and safely in her arms.

This year, at the beginning of spring, bulldozers, trucks and men entered the grimy park. Stone statues of angels appeared, their eyes looking heavenward. Row upon row of cheerful flowers were planted. A fountain took centre stage. These changes appeared as if by magic, fancifully created while I slept. By June, the garden had blossomed into a cacaphony of colour. Amateur photographers and wedding parties moved in, delighting in the gracefulness of nature. Young lovers replaced homeless old men on stone benches, holding hands and whispering to each other.

And though no one told the homeless to leave, they left anyways. Propelled out of the park by the beauty of its flowers, as though undeserving of such a gift.

Inspiration

A Course in Miracles says that the most effective way to teach a child is not by saying, 'Don't do that,' but 'Do this.' We don't reach the light through endless analysis of the dark. We reach the light by choosing the light. Light means understanding. Through understanding, we are healed...

...Spirit accepts people unconditionally. To the ego, this is an outrageous thought, because unconditional love is the death of the ego. How will people grow if we all go around just accepting each other as we are all the time? Accepting people as they are has the miraculous effect of helping them improve. Acceptance doesn't prohibit growth; rather, it fosters it.

People who are always telling us what's wrong with us don't help us so much as they paralyze us with shame and guilt. People who accept us help us to feel good about ourselves, to relax, to find our way. Accepting another person doesn't mean we never share constructive suggestions. But like everything else, our behavior is not so much the issue as the energy that it carries. If I'm criticizing someone in order to change them, that's my ego talking. If I've prayed and asked God [the Universe/Divine/Source] to heal me of my judgement, however, and then I'm still led to communicate something, the style of my sharing will be one of love instead of fear. It won't carry the energy of attack, but rather of support. Behavioural change is not enough. Covering an attack with sugary icing, with sweet tone of voice or therapeutic jargon, is not a miracle. A miracle is an authentic switch from fear to love. When we speak from the ego, we will call up the ego in others. When we speak from the Holy Spirit, we will call up their love.

- From A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Rest

Grandmother, I have not seen you for many years. But still I remember your face. I remember you chasing me around our trampoline, in the backyard of the house I lived in in 9th grade. You were scolding me. I was running, scared of you, but laughing and rebellious too.

I see your strength and stubborness in my mother. I feel it in me. A legacy passed through generations, as real as the breaths I still take.

My mother tells me you passed on as purely and cleanly as you lived. No loose ends. 97 years.

It has been 20 years since I saw you last. My connection with you is faint, a memory deep in my belly. But now I am crying. Why? I feel my grief for you through the grief of my mother, as she feels it for you. Resonance. Vibration. Cycles.

Rest.

I love you Mom.

Ten Keys to Happiness

This is from Deepak Chopra's newsletter Namaste. It's so beautiful and simple, that I thought it was worth sharing his insights. Sometimes happiness seems so elusive, impossible almost, when really, it's just sitting there inside you, waiting for you to take notice.

1. Listen to your body’s wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body, “How do you feel about this?” If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress, watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.

2. Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don’t struggle against the infinite scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.

3. Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn’t good for you.

4. Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.

5. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.

6. Know that the world “out there” reflects your reality “in here.” The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.

7. Shed the burden of judgment – you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.

8. Don’t contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.

9. Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.

10. Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet’s air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.

Time

Wow! I can't believe a whole year has gone by since I started this blog.

It feels so much shorter than that, but when I think about how much has changed for me in that time, it makes much more sense. And really, do we measure time by the clock and calendar, or do we measure it by the events and emotions in our lives.

When I started this blog, I was in a pretty dark place. Closed, negative and blinded to all the beauty that's out in the world. I look back, and I can't believe that person was me. I can't believe that I subjected myself to that. Did I really hate myself so much? I have since learned to integrate the dark and light aspects of myself, and to accept them both equally with gratitude.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and the longer I live, the more I believe this to be true. Looking back, I know this journey started the day I was born, and that there was a reason behind every event. Even the bad ones. At times, it was tough...more than tough. In those moments, I thought that nothing would ever change - that I would be locked in hopelessness, despair and apathy for all eternity. But now I know that those very things made me who I am today, and I could not want for anything more or less.

I am still evolving and changing and growing - this is a process that never ends, but for the first time, I can truly say that I am looking forward to what life will bring with optimism, hope, joy and excitement. And I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.

Messages

Truth be told, I had a pretty crappy day yesterday. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, that it was just one of those days when things are simply not clicking. A one step forward, two steps backwards kind of day. Extremely frustrating! By the end of it, I was ready to give in to my internal sabatoeur and walk down the low road of self-destruction. It's hard to take the high road of acceptance and gratitude some days, that's for sure.

Messages come to you if you're paying attention though. Even on the most trying of days.

"Why are you stressed?" Rosa asks, in her thick Chinese accent, as she briskly massages my face, "You have a good job. Lots of friends. A family that loves you. A nice home."

And she's right. I do have all that. Besides, why am I complaining? I'm getting a facial. Definitely a huge luxury! And Rosa is a blessing, always going above and beyond.

It didn't stop there.

I got home, and the security guard in my building stopped me, his white teeth smiling bright against the dark of his face.

"You know," he said, "You are one of the 5 loveliest people in this building."

"Really?" I was doubtful.

"Definitely," he said kindly, "You always have lots of friends and family coming to visit, and I can tell by your outside that you have a good heart. If your inside is not good, the outside cannot be good."

I smiled. The struggle of the day disappeared instantly.

I'm listening, okay?

Scarcity Consciousness

Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. - Mark Twain

I'm on day 38 of a 40 day Prosperity Plan. It was given to me by a Catholic nun, and involves meditating and journaling on a series of 10 different statements about abundance. If you miss a day, you have to start over again from day 1. So far, so good. Although I must admit, that meditating everyday has been a serious challenge. For some reason, it's difficult to find 15 minutes a day to fit this in. Like my friend Virginia used to say, "The tail wags the dog. Life gets in the way...what are you gonna do about it?"

Well, usually I try to go with the flow, but in this particular situation (since it has to happen), my solution is to try to squeeze it in right before I go to bed. This happens around 1:00 in the morning, and more often than not after a long day of working, yoga, classes and socializing. It's tough. You'd think finding 15 minutes a day would be a piece of cake, but somehow that Summerlicious reservation at Canoe or taiko drumming class or jewellery shopping in Kensington with Em or the All Out War trailer release party at SPIN or planning my trip to Italy takes priority. The tail wags the dog. Life happens, right?

Honestly, sometimes I fall asleep during the meditations. Nonetheless, I can feel things shifting. Not so much in terms of how much money I have, or how much money comes to me. I didn't win the lottery all of a sudden or anything! It's more in terms of how I view the world. Something in me is shifting, and that's potentially more profound and lasting than any extra cash I might gain. I'm patiently waiting for it to unfold.

Louise Hay wisely says that "Prosperity or lack of it is an outer expression of the ideas in your head." I know I've just scratched the surface of this notion, but I'm starting to understand it in a truly meaningful way. I'm starting to see how much of life is lived in scarcity consciousness, and how deeply embedded this way of thinking is in North American society. I have friends who live downtown, wear designer jeans, and drive nice cars, and all they do is complain about how broke they are. They never offer to pay for coffee or drinks or meals...and the gifts they receive (monetary or otherwise) are never enough. All of this stems from scarcity consciousness. Sadly, when you feel like you don't have enough, ultimately, you feel like you, the person, are not enough, and then you start TAKING, to try to feel secure. This feeling of "not enough" takes over your life. And money is never the answer, but somehow, when you live in scarcity consciousness, it seems like the only solution. If I only had more money, then I wouldn't be so sad, so lonely, so stressed, so _______ (fill in the blank).

Which leads me right back to Mark Twain. Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. And I'm not there yet. Probably nowhere close. But I'm working on it.

Fixing Her Hair

An old favorite...and sadly, still relevant today. Sometimes, I look around and feel hopeless about the state of romantic relationships. There are so few that are truly healthy, strong, respectful and loving. Most are just replays of tired old patterns of behaviour - full of distrust, insecurity and stasis. Most don't allow emotional or spiritual growth. It seems like the real growth only happens at the end of relationships, through sadness, tragedy and turmoil. Is it that we have to feel pain to heal and evolve? Or is it possible to grow through a process of joy?

Fixing Her Hair - Ani DiFranco

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn't there
she's humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she's so happy
and I think
this is not cool
'cause I know the guy
she's been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalize
she says he don't mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revolution

and she still doesn't have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that's just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there's plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn't hear me
she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair

I'm listening

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." - The Talmud

Can you hear it?

Voices

There are so many voices in my head.

There's one that lives in fear: Be afraid. Don't trust people. Don't give freely. There is danger all around.

One takes the easy way out: Stay in this place. Don't move. Don't grow. Don't evolve. Just stay here. In this safe little box. Stay locked in this pattern of behaviour. It's easier. It's safer. You will never be hurt if you stay here with me.

One lives in insecurity: You are not good enough. Why aren't you perfect? You should be prettier, smarter, faster, kinder, richer, better...your life would be different if you were just more...

Another says: Feel guilty. You have more than others do. Put other people's needs before yours. Bankrupt yourself. Put your life on hold. Isn't helping more important anyways?

Beneath this voice, is another, more insidious voice that says: You know better than they do. You are smarter, wiser, more experienced. And besides. When you tell others what to do, you feel better about yourself.

These are the voices of fear, and they are illusion. They do not serve my highest potential in any way. They do not come from love. They do not lead to gratitude, forgiveness, kindness or joy.

None of these voices are mine.

Simple

I attended a wedding this past weekend. After 11 years of dating, my friends Max and Jany finally tied the knot. It was a beautiful event, complete with a sunlit outdoor ceremony, filet mignon, creme brulee, dancing, flowers and a hilarious speech by the bride's father. Congrats Max & Jany! I'll miss you when you move to Texas.

I had a rare moment of total peace, watching the bride and groom dance to one of my all time favorite songs - Sade's By Your Side. This feeling hit me suddenly and instanteously, right in the heart, and my eyes filled with tears. I looked around the room filled with family and friends, love and connection, celebration and joy, and I felt blessed. I thought, this, now this is what life is about. This is all we need, and I felt impossibly FULL.

We tend to complicate life. We make things so complex. We worry and stress. We think that it is not enough. We think we should have more. Do more. Be more.

When really, it's so simple. Just look around. At all you already have. And watch the warmth spread.

Speak Your Truth

Every experience you have is a gift you've given yourself. - Anonymous

I was raised studying a fundamentalist religion. Despite my mother's hopes, it never stuck. I knew at a soul level that it wasn't for me. It simply didn't fit. Still, she tried. And tried. And tried. And I became so sick of having religion force-fed to me, that I turned my back on the Source completely. See! I still don't like to say "God." I prefer to say Universe or The Divine or The Source, though by now, I've learned that God is just another word for the same thing.

The problem, I guess, with turning my back on Spirit, is that essentially, I was turning my back on myself. Because we are all a part of the Divine - it is within each of us. I spent many years running away from this simple truth. I lost myself in self-destructive pursuits - numbing, medicating and fleeing haphazardly from the Spark within. I lived other people's lives, allowed myself to be caught up in endless victim dramas, their patterns stretching out to eternity. I followed someone else's dreams cuz, at the time, it seemed easier than following my own. I sabotaged myself. I prostituted myself. I victimized myself.

All this I did to run as far from myself as possible. I did not believe what my mother did, and because this was my only experience of Spirit, I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me. I locked a piece of myself away. Dis-integrated. Dis-connected. Ashamed. Alone in the dark. So I ran. And ran. And ran. But how do you snuff out that inherent Divine Spark?

It's impossible.

Today, I know that Spirit lives in me...just as it lives in everyone else.
Today, I know that when we act from a place of love, we are connected.
Today, I know that I am on my own journey, and always have been.
Today, I know that I can respect someone else's journey by letting go.
Today, I know that every experience I have was chosen by my soul.
Today, I am learning to release control and have faith.
Today, I go inside.
Today, I am still.
Today, I live in the moment.
Today, I know what gratitude is.

Today, I know there is much more to remember.